Week Nine: No Code, No Honor, No Fear

Washington 17, Atlanta 31

With all the confusion, discord, and general malaise surrounding the 2009 Washington Redskins this season, it has been difficult to narrow down a reason for their poor record. Have there been too many injuries at key positions without strong second string players? Have the plays signaled in by Currently Coach Zorn/Sherman Lewis been poorly called and/or executed? Is Snydely Whiplash finally reaping the full measure of what he has sown in his years of mismanagement? Is this offense just great on paper and the defense overrated? Have they incurred the burning wrath of honored veterans John Riggins and Sonny Jurgensen? The answer to all of these questions, sadly, is yes.

However, in Sunday's loss--another in a now four-game Parade of Patheticisim--the 2009 Redskins have revealed yet another reason for their bottom-feeder performance: they have no fear of their leader.

Let me qualify that conclusion, somewhat, by stating that I haven't attended Redskins player-only team meetings, or been hiding in the dirty jersey bin and overheard the players' locker room conversations. Nor was I out golfing with NFL insiders Peter King or Chris Mortensen and picked up the latest clubhouse rumor.

Instead, I watched Sunday's game and here's what I saw:

With just under two minutes left in the first half, the Redskins are getting completely blown out of Atlanta's Georgia Dome, 21-3. The offense has produced 69 total yards, given up five sacks, and earned three first downs. The defense, supposedly ranked fourth best in the NFL, has already given up two touchdowns and allowed two 30+ yard runs to Michael Turner. The defense is on the field once again, hoping to preserve some measure of respect. Another Atlanta touchdown and the twenty Redskins fans in attendance might consider beating the traffic home.

Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan scrambles right and heads out of bounds at the Atlanta 44-yard line to preserve time. Redskins safety Laron Landry, in pursuit, doesn't pull up and extends himself to hit Ryan into the Falcons' sideline as he (Ryan) is already out of the field of play. The referees throw an unnecessary roughness penalty on Landry. Cornerback Deangelo Hall, near the area, ends up in a shoving match with more than five Falcons players and two coaches (!) and eventually is pulled away by Redskins cornerback Justin Tryon. Redskins tackle Albert Haynesworth comes over and hits a Falcons player and is also flagged for unnecessary roughness. Cut to a shot of Currently Coach Zorn and he appears to be walking on the field, deciding whether to talk into his headset. Watch the whole brouhaha here.

As I saw this play happen live, I felt that this team had sunk to a new low. Not just in performance--I kind of expect that now--but in professionalism, in code, in honor. Where is this team's self-worth? Its respect? Its fear of consequence?

First, Laron Landry played without discipline on his hit. Ryan clearly exhibited an intent to get out of bounds on his scramble, and he certainly looked far enough ahead for Landry to accept that Ryan had the necessary yards for the first down. Why would Landry nonetheless launch himself into a quarterback, the most protected of all players?

Even if Landry gets a "heat of the moment" pass, take a look at Deangelo Hall. Pregame reports stated that Hall announced that he was looking forward (and not in a good way) to playing his former team. The first opportunity Hall has to mix it up with the Falcons, he's right there and is posing a potential detriment to his team. I don't buy his postgame explanation that he was just trying to help Landry. Justin Tryon, #20, is trying to help Landry. These are vastly different interpretations of "help." The video clearly shows Hall jawing and shoving with the Falcons even as Landry has already calmly left the scene.

Next, $100 million free agent Albert Haynesworth enters the fray after Hall has been separated from the Falcons and a full twenty seconds after the play is over to land an unprovoked punch on a Falcons player. This is the same Albert Haynesworth who had two penalties (one on the first play!) that helped extend the Falcons' first touchdown drive. What was he thinking--that he had a free hit since Landry's personal foul would be accepted? Did he think no one would notice? And most troubling of all, did he care?

And what did Coach Zorn have to say about three of his premier players committing unnecessary and unsportsmanlike conduct? Was he ready to tear some heads off? Was he considering some great punishment for the offenders? Here's his postgame reaction:

I thought everybody kept it together. I thought the officials handled it very well. I was watching on the big screen and I knew that DeAngelo was over there and I knew that was a bad place for him to be so I tried to get over there and help the situation. But even DeAngelo coming back to me, he had a real sense of control about the situation, too.

You're reading that right: Currently Coach Zorn thought that mess of a moment--the Associate Press called it a melee--was under control. (Zorn's interpretation of "help" apparently involves walking slowly and looking confused.) This was his chance to make clear that such unprofessional, undisciplined actions would not be tolerated. This was Zorn's Shaka Zulu moment, where he could publicly demand the strictest discipline, perfection and loyalty from his followers. He could have at the same time remind Snydely, Cerrato, and, most importantly, the fans that he is ultimately responsible and in control of this team.

But he didn't. That video clip isn't just a routine, harmless professional football scrum. This, and the other nine penalties (four giving Atlanta first downs), multiple dropped passes, and first half listlessness is evidence that the players don't fear what their coach would do to them if they embarrassed their fans and franchise with underachievement. This team has allowed itself to be defined by its circumstances. And while those circumstances are grim, frustrating, and dark, there is no reason for the players to relinquish one of the few things left to hang their hat on: the honor.

Now all that's left is the possibility that the Redskins can achieve yet low point in this season of low points. Maybe the fans will be graced with another public Snydely "I feel your pain!" statement.

SCORECARD
OFFENSE: C. I'm not impressed with their ability to have two good drives per game.
DEFENSE: D. If this team can't stop the opposition, there's the possibility of the Skins being blown out of nearly all their remaining games. Egad.
Sp. TEAMS: C. Wouldn't it have been a better measure of revenge for Deangelo Hall to return a punt for a touchdown?
COACHES: D. That first half was the result of two weeks of game planning?
OWNER: F. Thanks to a Redskins fan in Atlanta who held this sign up during the broadcast: "Confiscate This Danny! Fire Vinny!"

NEXT UP
With teams like the Denver Broncos, the Cowchips, and Saints still on the season menu, these 2-6 Washington Redskins may be remembered as having one of the worst seasons in modern Redskins history. Given their consistently poor performance, I can't in good conscience predict them to win any future games. Broncos win, 24-13.

What Would Jemima Do?

Editor's note: For all of my analysis, devotion, and, yes, love of the Washington Redskins, it did not occur to me until the last few years that my favorite team's namesake was possibly politically incorrect. And maybe just a little mean. As I read recently that the trademark lawsuit alleging that the Skins' name and symbol are derogatory will be ruled on soon by the Supreme Court, I decided that I had to take some position on my own. Hence, the following. I welcome your feedback.

[Fade in to: studio audience applause and "The Next Movement" instrumental by the Roots]

Jeff Jones: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the Redskins Review. If there is one issue that continues to be a source of controversy within the proud heritage of the Washington Redskins, it is, oddly, with the very name of the franchise. Here today to give her unique perspective is a well-known American icon, a woman whose name and face have been a part of the first meal for generations. Please help me welcome… Aunt Jemima.

[Enthusiastic audience applause]

Aunt Jemima: Great to be here, Jeff. How is the family?

Jeff: They are eating well, I assure you! [Polite audience laughter] And you’re looking great for 120 years old. What’s your secret?

Aunt Jemima: Well Jeff I don’t let my mind rest. Waste not, want not! I recently finished my master’s degree in social and behavioral sciences and I plan to pursue work with the National Women’s Studies Association. I get plenty of sleep…and having breakfast every day doesn’t hurt. [Winks at audience, who laughs and applauds]

Jeff: Indeed! Now, you have enjoyed an impressive record of commercial success, but your image has been no stranger to controversy. What do you make of the lawsuit and issue surrounding the name “Redskins.”

Aunt Jemima: Jeff, it’s all too familiar. Here we have a profitable business that, even though it has a long history, refuses to get with the times because of its own arrogance and naïveté. That football owner, Daniel Snyder, is so misguided that he believes he knows better how to honor a group of people than they do. That’s what this whole situation boils down to.

Jeff: Speaking of profit, the Quaker Oats folks certainly have made some off of you, haven’t they?

Aunt Jemima: You know, I haven’t always been represented on your waffles and pancake boxes with my pearl earrings and permed hair. No, dear, I was once drawn as an overweight, big smiling, bandana-wearing, batter-stirring mammy who was just all too eager to “make y’all summa mah fluffy, energizin’ pancakes!” [Nervous laughter from audience]

I started out as a joke—a joke!—from a minstrel show, and an enterprising person thought that the look, the name, and the image would be a great way to sell some ready-made mix. Yet now my face and name help sell hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of food.

Jeff: Your look today is quite different than in the past. Why is that?

Aunt Jemima: Well, the NAACP and lots of regular folk fought back against the presentation of me as that happy heavyweight. Back then, my image connected consumers to the days of the Old South—a time when the inhumanities of slavery seemed to be justified by the images of people like me smiling, just as happy as we can be. The mammy was to the kitchen what a field Negro was to the cotton field. To make it simple, the marketing was all about convincing white women that they could have the benefits of a southern black woman-made pancake without all that uncomfortable servant-guilt stuff. It was quite successful, even in the face of protests. The press even mocked the NAACP’s efforts to have me better reflect African-American women, saying it was futile and quixotic. But, thankfully, they didn’t believe the corporate excuses and justifications.

Jeff: Even now the Quaker Oats company describes your former image as “large, gregarious, with the face of an angel.”

Aunt Jemima: [Laughs and rolls eyes] Talk about spin city. But that’s what’s going on with the Washington Redskins. History is written by the victors, Churchill once said, and the Redskins’ history of racial intolerance gets spun like drawers in a dryer. The organization acknowledges that they were named by an unrepentant, racist owner, George Marshall, who once said that the team’s colors were “burgundy, gold, and Caucasian.” He didn’t want African-Americans on his team and fought it until he had to give in so he could use the stadium that became RFK. He wanted his team to represent the Old South, just like my old image.

Jeff: Not exactly a good foundation to build on, eh?

Aunt Jemima: Hardly. So Snyder and the team really believe that this guy wanted to honor Native Americans with the team name? Right, and the original fight song saying “Scalp ‘em, swamp ‘em — we will take ‘em big score” is a love lyric to the Native American community. I wonder if the coach referenced by the team name was ever asked if he wanted to be honored that way. Heaven knows I sure wasn’t asked if I wanted “Dixieland” sung on my early radio commercials.

Jeff: What about the Redskins organization’s legal arguments, you know, about the percentages of Native Americans not offended by the name?

Aunt Jemima: There’s all this argument about how many Native Americans were polled, how they were asked, and so on. The Redskins may have asked Native Americans if they were offended by the name, but did they ask “Hey, do you feel honored? Do you like how this company has chosen to honor you?” Those are very different questions.

Then I think about the likeness—it’s a dark, red-skinned man on their helmet. Whether such and such dictionary says that “redskin” refers to skin color, or to war paint, or whatever, the point is still that the team has a red-skinned guy as their symbol. Honestly, who in today’s times uses skin color to describe a people? “Black” might be the only exception, and even then it’s inaccurate and refers more to culture, and that is defined by African-Americans. Not other people. That’s why I mentioned the arrogance earlier.

Jeff: So what are you suggesting the Washington Redskins do, lose millions of dollars over the protests of a small minority?

Aunt Jemima: Do you know what would happen if they changed the name on my box to Aunt J’s or replaced my picture with a platter of steaming food? People would buy the box and go make pancakes. Do you know how many Redskins fans would root for the team if the name were Warpath or Monuments? I’ll tell you: all of them. Marketing 101 says that if you have a good product and good promotion, people will buy it. Even--what do you call him, Snydely?--he understands that.

If Danny humbly stated that he thought it over and wants to honor the Native Americans by choosing a less divisive name, he’d win major PR points and also have the chance to sell a whole new style of hat and bumper sticker. Recycle the unsold Redskins products and he’s managed the politically correct trifecta! [Audience applauds]

Jeff: Well said! That’s all the time we have. Thank you, Aunt Jemima, for joining us and sharing your insights. Say, any truth to the rumor that you and Mrs. Butterworth are still not on speaking terms?

Aunt Jemima: Well, you can’t believe everything you hear…!

[Audience laughs and applauds. Fade out]

Week Seven: Dear Diary...

Eagles 27, Redskins 17

With a respectful tip of the pen to ESPN's The Sports Guy, I decided to do a running, real time diary of the Redskins' Monday Night Football debut against the Philly Egos. I mean, Eagles. Enjoy!

PREGAME

7:15PM: On the Redskins Radio pregame show, lovable curmudgeon Sam Huff rambles out a great question, asking why if Zorn isn’t going to be calling plays, why not have Campbell call them? Unfortunately, right before he made it, he lost me by saying "I'm telling you, Jim Zorn is just like Tom Landry!" I hope when I'm that old someone pays me to say whatever I want, no matter how ridiculous it is.

8:10: ESPN's overstocked Monday Night Countdown features its third segment on what's wrong with the Redskins. In this roundtable, marginal analyst Chris Carter goes nuts, shouting "Sherman Lewis couldn’t call plays for my high school team!" It is followed by nearly three seconds of uncomfortable silence from the other four analysts. Let's maintain some perspective here, Chris.

8:20: Twenty minutes before gametime, I’m counting, fifteen, twenty, call it THIRTY THOUSAND EMPTY SEATS at FedEx Field. “You can sit anywhere you want!” says my wife. Fortunately, the Redskins faithful show up and outnumber the Eagles by kickoff.

FIRST HALF

8:30: Jon Gruden gives the best quote in the analysis of the whole Zorn/Snyder/Lewis brouhaha: “It’s not about who’s calling the plays, it’s about the eleven guys executing the plays.”

8:34: We have our first "Sherm In the Box" television shot. I’m enjoying tonight’s broadcast on my 50” 1080p high definition TV. This really is the only way to watch football. Who needs obstructed views, bad hot chocolate, and narrow parking?

8:40: Hank Williams sings this week's iteration of “Are Your Ready for Some Football?!?” I remember back when he sang the song, some fireworks went off, and they showed the Monday Night Football logo. Now they’ve got a CG concert with forty dancers, football players dressed as statues, and giant space-flying helmets that explode over the football field when they return to earth’s atmosphere. Less is more, ESPN, less is more.

8:43: Finally we have kickoff! First offensive play: a direct snap to 'Skins Killer Brian Westbrook. Uh oh. Someone’s come with trickeration!

8:45: The Redskins nightmare begins on the third play: DeSean Jackson, on an end around, zips past the defense and down the sidelines. He goes more than 57 yards before he’s even touched. Since professional football is tackle, not touch, Jackson finishes the run in the end zone. Uh oh.

8:50: The first two Washington plays: Campbell short passes yards to Cooley. I’m pretty sure I hear someone in burgundy start booing.

8:51: Our second Sherm In the Box shot, which is followed by Campbell dropping a shotgun snap, forcing a punt. Maybe it really is all about the guys on the field, eh?

8:55: Jon Gruden provides this gem of team analysis: “There are a lot of athletes on this Eagles offense.“ The rest of the guys apparently are janitors. Or quantum physicists.

I’d like to try color commenting a game. Come to think of it, what a cool way to watch games with some football friends: turn down the center channel on your stereo and just talk it out. To be fair, flip a coin to see who gets to be Pat Summerall.

8:58: Injury to Brian Westbrook timeout. “Hey, it’s Ugly Betty’s boyfriend!” I shout to my wife when a McDonald’s commercial comes on. And no, I’m not ashamed to say I’ve seen every episode. And yes, Marc is one of my favorite characters. I still have my manhood, thank you very much.

9:07: Campbell winds up, throws, and misses every receiver on the field. The crowd boos for the second play in a row. Cut to Zorn with a blue Sharpie filling out what appears to be a Bingo card.

9:09: For those keeping score, under Sherm Lewis' playcalling: two drives, two first downs, two punts.

9:17: The Redskins nightmare comes into full bloom: Campbell stares down a receiver and his pass is tipped by a linebacker and run in for six by linebacker Will Witherspoon. “Deflections are problems,” deposits Gruden.

9:23: On the ensuing drive, Campbell doesn’t feel the blitz and is stripped from behind by Will "I Am Legend" Witherspoon, ball recovered by the Eagles. The "Campbell to the Bench Watch" has officially begun. It’s over, Jason. God bless you, sir, but it is over. “Disastrous!” says analyst Ron Jaworski. No, what’s disastrous is seeing Chris Cooley carted off the field.

9:28: Philly does next to nothing with their great field position following the turnover. If I’m Andy Reid, if it’s 4^th and 5 or less, I’m going for it. The only reason they haven’t converted their 3^rd downs is because McNabb has missed open receivers. I mean, it’s not like the 'Skins are going to actually make you pay if you fail, right? Akers knocks in a 47-yard field goal and whatta ya know, it’s 17-zip and we’re barely into the second quarter.

9:30: Viewers get their second Snydely Whiplash shot of the night. He’s slumped over like a guy learning that his car meet was canceled and he has to watch Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman with his wife all afternoon. Good times. The first shot of Snydely was pregame, with he and Zorn exchanging pleasantries. I’m thinking that shot was completely staged.

9:33: The refs show mercy on the Skins and give them great field position by calling a penalty on the kickoff. The first play Sherm calls? Clinton Portis right up the middle for two and a half yards. Egad.

9:39: Campbell makes a great read and finds Devin Thomas in the end zone for six. Cut to a shot of Zorn and he’s still staring at his Bingo card. Is his headset even on? I wonder what album he's listening to.

9:44: The Skins defense shows some mettle, forcing a three and out, which included an option run by Michael “Half the Man I Used to Be” Vick that went for negative one yards. The momentum is with Washington!

9:45: Antwaan Randle-El lets the ball bounce right off his head on his punt return. For the love of all that is burgundy and gold, TAKE HIM OFF OF SPECIAL TEAMS. At this point, I’m prepared to go back there and return kicks.

9:47: McNabb skips his third 3^rd down pass of the night, keeping this game mildly interesting. Akers boots another field goal and it’s 20-7.

9:52: Cut to a shot of fans holding an “Unconditional Love” banner. No. This ain’t marriage. I pay money and support you, but you have to produce. In that money is contained my right to no longer love you. Sorry to disappoint. To help prove my point, Campbell collapses under yet another sack.

9:58: On third and #$#%% 23, DeSean Jackson gets behind SIX Redskins defenders after a double move on Carlos Rogers and catches McNabb’s pass for a touchdown. It’s now 27-7 and the nightmare deepens. Is it too much to get an impromptu Snydely Whiplash shot? Or did the network decide not to show him tying a noose?

10:07: What do you think the playcalling in the first half, Gruden? “I’m fine with the calling. Sherm is calling plays from the playbook.” And here I thought he imported them from his Madden favorites.

10:10: Zorn celebrates a two minute drive that ends with a field goal like he’s just finished the Boston Marathon. Hey, I’m all for celebrating the little things, but your team is getting effectively blown out at home on national television. Hang your head, raise your finger, and shuffle off the field.

SECOND HALF

10:27: Here’s where the high-level view of this game really takes shape: in the first half, the Skins had 36 rushing yards, 92 passing yards, three turnovers, and a paltry 3.9 yards per play. Keep callin' them plays from the playbook, Shermster. And oh yeah—the Skins’ halftime adjustments led them on a first drive…ending in a punt.

10:35: By sacking McNabb, Andre Carter reminds the fans that he is one of the few free agent pickups in Snydely’s reign to actually retain some value. (Anyone seen Mark Carrier? Brandon Lloyd?) He’s approaching team MVP status this season, in no small part to the presence of Albert Haynesworth.

10:38: Santana Moss receives a punt and does his best Randle-El impression, running sideways and losing a yard. Not that it really matters. The Skins go three and out.

10:45: Ron Jaworski: “[The Eagles] have only six first downs with 7:44 to go here in the third quarter. So you gotta give some credit to that Redskins defense. Outside of some big plays, they’ve been solid.” I’d agree, except when one of those big plays is on THIRD AND #$#% 23 AND THE RECEIVER GETS BEHIND SIX REDSKINS DEFENDERS FOR A TOUCHDOWN. But otherwise, good job, D!

10:49: Sweet baby Moses, Antwaan Randle-El has been placed back on the field to receive a punt. At this point, it’s like an episode of My Name Is Earl: why tempt Karma? What good could possibly come of this? He doesn’t run them back for touchdowns, and his only benefit—not fumbling the catch—just failed spectacularly. Is there no one else better than he?

10:54: Our third and fourth Sherm In the Box shots show him sharing some paperwork with an assistant after polishing off a refreshing Coke Classic. I wonder if he regrets taking that job in the Bingo hall.

10:56: The 'Skins leave eight players in the box, give Campbell five and half seconds to throw, and he is still sacked for a three yard loss. He never saw the defender coming right at him. Somewhere, a woman screams “You suck, Campbell!” for the home audience to enjoy. Next play, Campbell’s pass is tipped into nothingness.

We have 29 seconds left in the third quarter, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Redskins will not score again on offense, never mind win this game.

11:01: I gave my Pops a call which led to this exchange:

Me: “Looks like the offense isn't much different than before, eh?”

Pops: “I don’t know what difference Sherman Williams--or whatever his name—is supposed to make. “

Me: “Um, I think Sherman Williams is a paint company, Dad.”

Pops: “Well, whatever.”

Meanwhile, I decide to continue watching this slow train wreck if only to see some of the awesome Tekken 6 commercials.

11:08: Following yet another sack of Campbell, Portis throws his helmet in disgust at the bench. There’s an iconic moment for the 2009 Redskins season DVD. In true Zorn fashion, the Redskins decide that, with the ball on their opponent’s 36 yard line and 14 yards to go, they are going to punt. Have you no backbone? On the play, fifteen yards get tacked on because of a Washington penalty, helping the Eagles move out of their own end. If I was at the stadium, I’d consider beating the traffic.

11:15: Yep, Tekken 6 looks incredible. My night is complete.

11:22: With just over six minutes left in the game, the Redskins finally author a productive drive, reaching the Eagles’ red zone for only the second time all night. Sherm in the Box is stoic, almost statuesque. Hold on. He’s not even moving. Sherm? You okay? Sherm?

11:26: Here it is, ladies and gentlemen: the moment that defines this game. With four minutes left, on 4^th and goal from the four, the Redskins decide to man up and just go for it. Campbell never gets the shotgun snap, as it ricochets off the center Casey Rabach’s right butt cheek. The Eagles recover the ball and the remaining fans stream toward the exits.

With no sense of mercy for the fans, the Skins attempt to preserve the clock by calling timeouts.

11:34: The Eagles rush five and pick up their sixth sack. ESPN gives us another beautiful high level view of how horrible the offensive line has been tonight: 43 drop backs, six hurries, 14 hits, six sacks. At this point, there aren’t enough Redskins fans left in the stadium to hear boo.

11:42: Fred “Just send me out to catch, thanks” Davis scores a completely meaningless touchdown. Dear Heaven, can we just end this game here? Please? And why was there only one Tekken commercial?

11:50: The Redskins fans begin the “Fi-re Sny-der” and “Sell-the-team!” chants.

POSTGAME SCORECARD

OFFENSE: D+. Portis runs for 43 yards while Campbell throws 46 times. That’s right, 46 times. I’d love to hear how and why Sherm Lewis thought they should go with this game focus. But in the end, this offense looked just as confused, inconsistent, and inept as they have been all season. Now with Chris Cooley reportedly having a broken ankle, the potential for this offense plummets.

DEFENSE: B. The defensive line and linebackers are doing great, putting pressure on the quarterback and stuffing the run. The secondary…not so good. I don’t trust ‘em. Landry bit hard on DeSean Jackson's end around run and could only watch him score. Zorn said that DeSean was “wicked fast,” but he looks even faster when you take the wrong pursuit angles and bite on double moves.

Sp. TEAMS: F. Antwaan Randle-El’s fumble was a turning point in the game’s momentum. End this foolishness now.

COACHES: F. Postgame press conference quote of the night: Hey Currently Coach Zorn, what’d you think of Sherm calling the plays? “The results were the same.” ‘Nuff said.

OWNER: Z-. Does the Pro Football Hall of Fame have a basement, where they profile the worst of the league? Can we put Snydely and Al Davis down there?

NEXT UP

The Redskins limp into a bye week at a horrendous 2-5. They are a team without heart, a team without direction, a team without a future. Heaven help them.

Week Six: More Fizzle Than Spark

Kansas City 14, Washington 6

There comes a time in a football fan's life that you sense the sad reality that your team just isn't failing to reach its potential, or succumbing to select injuries, or battling through an unusually difficult part of the schedule. That reality settles onto your mind, like softly falling black soot, rendering your explanations, excuses and hope virtually unrecognizable. The ugly, undeniable truth is that your favorite team stinks.

Gentle Redskins fans, that time is now. And the future isn't looking particularly bright, either.

Saying that the Redskins stink isn't perhaps the most accurate way to describe the 2009 team. (Although channelling your inner Thor the thunder god and proclaiming "Yon Redskins stinketh most foul!" certainly feels good.) No, Washington is best described this way: they deserve to be winless. They barely beat two horrible teams--who remain winless--and looked less than competitive in the other four games. They have yet to score more than two touchdowns in a game. They brought in an offensive guru to provide guidance and the team scored six points, its worst performance of the season.

Meanwhile, reports surfaced around 8PM Sunday that owner Daniel Snyder (henceforth Snydely Whiplash) and executive vice president of operations Vinny "Cuttin' Edge" Cerrato have recommended that Currently Coach Jim Zorn give up his game day play calling to "focus on head coaching." So if Zorn was hired originally as offensive coordinator, then promoted to head coach, and now being told that he isn't calling the plays during games...what is his job going to be on the sidelines? Will he stand on the sidelines saying "What the [philharmonic] are you doing?!?" If he isn't influencing the plays being called, will he even have a headset? If he does, can fans recommend music for him to listen to? ("Learn to be Lonely" from Phantom of the Opera comes to mind.) Does he even need to show up for games, allowing the CPU to play his selected players like it's PlayStation Madden?

The Redskins have officially begun rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. In Zorn's postgame press conference, he conceded that he wasn't calling the right plays, and that he thought that benching Jason Campbell for Todd Collins would provide a spark but managed only a fizzle. But the play calling (horrendous as it has been) is just one piece of this morbid mosaic of a season.

There's been the draft picks like Malcolm Kelly and Fred Davis who have barely contributed, there's the questionable pocket decisions of Jason Campbell, there's been the disappearance of Santana Moss for most of the season, there's been the inexplicable continual use of Antwaan Randle-El as punt returner, there's been the poor management of time outs and, ultimately, there is the mismanagement of Snydely Whiplash and Cerrato in refusing to spend money shoring up the offensive line in the offseason.

How much of that is going to change with Sherman "Ladies, we're playing four-corners Bingo this round!" Lewis or someone else calling plays? Does management really believe this to be the spark the team needs?

Uber-coach Tony Dungy had an interesting response to the news on NBC's Football Night in America: " I went through this in Tampa (Bay). This is not a good thing. I made a mistake and acquiesced to [giving up playcalling duties]. If you're Jim Zorn you have to say 'hey I'm in charge of this team on the field. If I'm not, get rid of me.' " That's a bold position to take, and for context remember that Dungy had the luxury of some playoff appearances with the Buccaneers to stand on when making that declaration. Zorn hasn't had even a fraction of that success here.

But come November, this will all be moot.

There was one play during this loss to Kansas City that is simultaneously the best and worst of the day, exemplifying the little that is right and all that is wrong with this team. In the third quarter, Clinton Portis broke free for a 78-yard scamper, his career longest run. A cause for celebration, correct? Maybe. But watch the video. Enjoy it. Cheer if you like. Then watch it again without the sound of analyst Rich Gannon's fawning compliments.

Fullback Mike Sellers--a man paid to block!--leads the way for Portis down the field. The initial blocking is outstanding. And with fifty yards to the end zone, Sellers ends up with just one man to block. Portis has just one man to run around, using Sellers as a screen. Sellers appears to just poop out and fall down at the 25 yard line. Portis inexplicably never cuts back to the wide open middle of the field and continues running an angle directly into the tackler. He doesn't even attempt a stiff arm! Instead of seven points--which in this game certainly looked like it would have placed Washington in position for victory--the Redskins earned a first and goal. The drive ended with a field goal and the Skins went on to lose by the margin of a touchdown. These are the plays that define a team.

Contrast Sellers' blocking effort to the work done by the Oakland Raiders rookie wide receiver--a man not paid to block!--Louis Murphy on tight end Zach Miller's 86-yard touchdown catch. Murphy not only completely decimates the first available Eagles tackler, but stays on his feet, catches up to the still-running Miller and makes another block thirty yards down field. Murphy even gets in the way of a third Eagle speeding up as Miller crosses the goal line.

You know things are bad in Washington when the Oakland Raiders show more desire to score than the Redskins.

SCORECARD
OFFENSE: F. Ugh. How do you know a coach doesn't believe in his offense? With just over two minutes left, down by six points, Zorn elects to punt on 4th and 14 on the Redskins' 24. When the punt team walked on the field, I screamed "Why are you punting? What do you have to lose?!?" Sure enough, the punt boomed and the Skins had just one more offensive play...which was a safety for Kansas City.

DEFENSE: B+. This loss falls in no way on the defense, who held the Chiefs to four field goals, no touchdowns, and earned a total of five sacks. Only Carlos Rogers' poor coverage of Dwayne Bowe on the Chiefs' last drive lowered the grade.

Sp. TEAMS: D. Aside from kicker Shaun Suisham's continually accurate work, the team really isn't special, having a punt blocked and providing zero short fields for the anemic offense.

COACHES: F. Yon coaches stinketh most foul.

OWNERSHIP: F-. Remember last week when there was unintentional comedy in Snydely's management of the team? Nobody's laughing now.

NEXT UP
This is it: the siren song for Jim Zorn. And what better stage on which to gracefully bow off than the national broadcast of Monday Night Football. Washington faces the Philly Egos at FedEx Field. Philadelphia is coming off one of its most embarrassing losses in recent memory, 13-9 to the hapless Oakland Raiders. They, like everyone else in the league, knows that no team can make you feel better about yourselves than the 2009 Washington Redskins. At this point in the season, it is nearly impossible to pick the Redskins to win another professional football game. (Do they play the Riverdale Baptist JV team in December?) Nonetheless, I hold out the very last sliver of hope that the defense scores all the touchdowns. Washington wins, 13-10.

ONE MORE THING
You know a team has lost its Q-rating (that industry standard of measuring commercial appeal) when the most exciting Redskins promotion teaser is this from Friday night: "This Sunday, on NFL Gameday Morning...find out why Chris Cooley is so fired up...about pottery. Only on NFL Network."

Week Five: Impressively Unimpressive

Washington 17, Carolina 20

Another week, another winless team earns its first win at the Redskins' expense. As a fan, you really have to take your hat off to a team that can consistently be inconsistent. It takes work. Sure, there are teams like the Browns and Raiders who perform poorly every time they take the field. There's no fun in watching a team that just stinks. But there really is magic to a team like the Redskins that can, week to week, look better on paper than their competitor, underachieve just enough to lose, yet leave a sliver of hope that they won't do it again next week.

To look this impressively unimpressive, you need an intense week of distractions, squabbles, and general tomfoolery. Take a look at the last seven days in Washington Redskins history and tell me they didn't meet that requirement:

Sunday (Oct. 7): After watching embarrassing play all season, ticket-holding fans are prohibited by FedEx Field staff from bringing paper bags to the stadium to wear in protest. That same day, it is revealed that benched strong safety Chris Horton blasted his defensive coordinator and other teammates on his blog. The post mysteriously disappears pregame. The Redskins lose--excuse me, barely win--at home against a rookie quarterback-led Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Wednesday: Owner Daniel Snyder and vice president of operations, Vinny Cerrato, think it a good idea to bring in a "consultant" to help Currently Coach Zorn and his offense. ("Snydely Whiplash" will henceforth be the reference for the owner of the Redskins due to the way he's ruining the team, like Dudley Do-Right's arch nemesis. It's only a matter of time before he grows a mustache, installs train tracks on FedEx Field and ties the players to it.) So where might Snydely and Cerrato locate this Savior of the Offense? Were they currently employed by a successful franchise? Might they be at home, preparing for work by concocting creative NFL strategies?

No, silly rabbit, these are the Redskins. They get their help from guys five years removed from football and currently calling Bingo at a senior center.

Sometime midweek: Reports surface that fullback Mike Sellers looked to attack Clinton Portis after Portis' public criticisms of Sellers' lack of blocking. The players need to be separated to avoid an altercation. In the following press conference, Zorn states that he has no problem with the possible fight between his number one running back and his number one lead blocker...apparently because there was only "nudging and posturing." In fact, he kind of liked it. Against Carolina, Sellers barely blocks on the play which results in the Panthers tackling Portis for a safety. Hmm...

Thursday: Defensive coordinator Greg Blache meets with the press for his weekly news conference to discuss the defensive game plan for the Carolina Panthers. Instead of meeting as usual near the player lockers, he conducts it outside in the sun. Total time of the conference? One minute, twenty seconds. Currently Coach Zorn's explained the change. "For Greg, he's really needed a break," Zorn said. "And so from his standpoint, we've talked about it. I actually have talked to the league about a break for him, and they've agreed, so I would put it as personal reasons. ... It's something that is important and he's doing it for the right reasons, but it is a needed break for him so that's why I've allowed it." Well, then. Next question.

You know these be dark days in Washington when even the Hogettes have to post a public cease and desist against impostors. You remember the Hogettes: grown men celebrating the stout, championship-winning offensive line from the 1980s by dressing like pig snout-sporting Mama from Mama's Family. Frankly, I can't see why any fan would bother trying to imitate such an outdated football reference; the Skins haven't had a worthy offensive line in more than a decade. It's like arranging a group of dedicated middle aged men to recreate the Fun Bunch high fives in the parking lot before each home game.

Sunday (Oct.11): With guru Sherman "B-20, I-85" Lewis observing and reporting on ways to make the offense better, the Redskins manage a paltry 22% third down completion rate and 74 rushing yards on 24 attempts against one of the worst rush defenses in the league. The offense never adjusts its scheme after losing Chris Samuels to injury and it can't sustain second half drives to ice a winnable game. The offensive line allows five sacks and the team's best receiver, Chris Cooley, has zero receptions.

There you have it. Seven days, whether intended or not, to further cement the Redskins in the Hall of Mediocrity. Let's see what the next seven days bring. I'm hoping for a full page apology in the Washington Post from ownership.

Now that would really be impressive.

SCORECARD
OFFENSE: D If I were Campbell, I'd seriously begin looking into reputable cross-country moving companies. His numbers may look good, but the on-field product is still lackluster.

DEFENSE: B My Pops and I agree that if a defense can keep its opponent under 20, they've earned a satisfactory grade. Given the two points and general ineptitude offered by the offense, the defense earns an even higher mark this week. Remember earlier this year when I faulted DeAngelo Hall for tackling like Deion Sanders after a manicure? Not so funny now, is it?

Sp. TEAMS: C- Don't punt returners practice yelling "ball!" or "pepper jack cheese!" or something to alert their blockers that the ball is coming their way? Does Randle-El know any of these code words?

COACHING: D- Currently Coach Zorn has managed to take a team at 6-2 (from last season) and rally off just four wins in his next thirteen games. Wow.

OWNERSHIP: F+ Snydely manages a "+" on the pure unintentional comedy that is his management of this team.

NEXT UP
Allow me to pat myself briefly on the back for being oh-so-close predicting the scores for the last two games. Last week I predicted a 20-17 Redskins win on a defensive touchdown and before that I predicted a close game against Tampa Bay.

What has this team come to when you are nervous about the winless Kansas City Chiefs sauntering into FedEx Field? Even after their narrow loss to the Dallas Cowchips, there isn't a single reason to fear this team. Nor is there a single reason why the Skins should lose this game. The Chiefs lost to the Oakland Raiders, the universally agreed worst team in all the NFL. For crying out loud, how could it possibly be that I'm fearing yet another upset?

Redskins win. Heaven knows I want to give the Skins offense credit for more than two touchdowns, but I can't bring myself to do so in good conscience. Redskins win, 17-14.

Week Four: We Don't Need Another Hero(es)

Tampa Bay 13, Washington 16

Not too long ago, I was a huge fan of Heroes . Since I grew up reading Spider-Man, the X-Men, and (yes, I admit it) G.I. Joe comics, I loved that NBC gave we geeks a show that looked like it jumped off those color pages. The first season featured a cadre of super powered guys and gals working to avert a prophesied New York apocalypse. There was drama, romance, and a bad guy who ate people's brains to gain their powers. Yeah. That was great television.

Then came Season Two. Peter Petrelli, a hero with around twelve powers, was placed in box, given amnesia, and sent to Ireland. One of the most popular characters, the time-bending Hiro, was isolated in a feudal Japan plotline for most of the season. That cool antagonist who ate people's brains? He became a threat to no one, spending the better part of the season travelling from Mexico with two new throwaway characters. Midway through the season, I felt like I just couldn’t take another lame plot contrivance and I was ready to jettison my support and catch up with Marie Osmond’s progress on Dancing with the Stars.

But then Heroes would do something just awesome enough to keep me watching. One time it was the introduction of the New Orleans fast food worker who could mimic the fighting style of anyone she saw. Then there was the great showdown between Matt Parkman and his father the Boogeyman, two men who could manipulate reality. And in those moments, I remember looking over at my wife and saying "There may be hope for this season after all."

One scene later, I'm watching the indestructible cheerleader Claire and her boyfriend recreating teen angst with all the skill of a high school rendition of The Breakfast Club. And my thumb began hovering over the channel skip button. I just couldn't bear to watch any more.

Welcome to the 2009 Washington Redskins.

For every moment of satisfaction, like Clinton Portis rushing for nearly 100 yards, DeAngelo Hall finally making a game changing interception, or Jason Campbell lobbing a gorgeous touchdown to Santana Moss, there are ten to fifteen moments that inspire nausea. Like Campbell following up that touchdown with his third horrific interception. Or Campbell fumbling on the first drive. Or the sad realization that if the Buccaneers had a decent quarterback and field goal kicker, it is very likely that the Redskins would have lost this game.

Come to think of it, the entire first half of Sunday's game seemed to be one long Heroes scene with Claire and her father arguing about whether she deserves a normal life. You know it's bad when Sam Huff and Sonny Jurgensen are stifling their laughter at the offense during the Skins' game broadcast.

After the win, there appeared to be a celebration of the Redskins' aggressiveness and poise, as if Jim "Currently Coach" Zorn had somehow unearthed Washington's inner Indianapolis Colts. I'm not buying it, not after essentially one good quarter of progressive football. Squeaking by two of the NFL's worst teams (the Rams have lost by 35, 28, and 19 points in their other games) is hardly time to cheer anything. This team must fear their second half of the season.

[Jeff's finger begins to hover over the channel skip button...]

SCORECARD

OFFENSE -- C. The jury is still out on Campbell and his future in the burgundy and gold.

DEFENSE -- B. Wouldn't it be nice to see our defense pitch a shutout on the lesser teams?

Sp. TEAMS -- C. Didn't I read somewhere that Antwaan Randle-El was hired to also return punts? Effectively?

COACHING -- C-. You're the coach and your quarterback has looked like JaMarcus Russell for three and half games. It's halftime and you haven't scored. If it's me with the headset, I'm seeing what my backup can do.

NEXT UP

The Redskins travel to no-win Carolina as the Cakewalk Tour continues. Don't let their 0-3 record fool you--they are actually competitive, if not mistake-prone. Unlike Washington's previous cakewalk opponents, the Panthers can actually score points and the defense again will have to shoulder the burden of respectability. Washington wins on a defensive touchdown, 20-17.

ONE MORE THING

Here's something that made me stop eating my curly fries, pause the TiVo, look off in the distance, say "uh, what?" During the Bucs/Skins game broadcast, the viewers were reminded that safety Reed Doughty is hearing impaired. Not a tremendously big deal. In fact, it's quite admirable that he excelled at Northern Colorado and made it to the highest level of professional football.

What made me roll my eyes was that the Redskins didn't know he was hearing impaired until after he was sitting in team meetings reading lips during his rookie year. Let me get this straight: the Redskins scouted, interviewed, drafted, and paid money for a player and didn't realize he couldn't hear? This is the team I root for?

Week Three: Pardon My French

Detroit 19, Washington 14

There was a moment, during the fourth quarter of this game, when the sideline cameras caught Jim "Currently Coach" Zorn's emotional reaction to one of the many errors made by the Redskins. His eyes were moist with desperation, his eyebrows furled with disbelief. Even his headset was off kilter in frustration. Though the viewers couldn't hear his voice, it was easy to read his lips. This is a family column so I will give it a gentle translation.

"What the [naughty word] are you doing?!?"

Zorn wasn't alone: my Pops and I watched the Redskins' performance against the Lions and said some variation of the same thing. For sixty game minutes. I practically screamed it as Zorn called a Hook and Ladder with eight seconds left that began with Santana Moss, who lateraled to Antwaan Randle-El, who tossed to...Ladell Betts. Watch the play. There's no one else in position to receive a Betts lateral. That's right: Zorn actually called a play designed for his backup running back to weave his way through the entire Detroit defense. (Equally egregious was Betts' decision to not run out of bounds when the final two seconds could have been saved.) Even still, why would you draw up a Motor City Miracle that begins with your best receiver catching the ball thirty yards from the end zone?

"What the [flip-flarn-filth] are you doing?!?"

It really is difficult to quantify how pathetic it is to lose to the Detroit Lions. This is a team which hadn't won a game since before the recession. They were on pace to earning the title of Consistently Worst Team in NFL History. (Yes, I made that up.) Their starting quarterback was heretofore leading the league in interceptions. Googling "How bad are the Detroit Lions?" produces more than a million hits. Even the Baltimore Orioles would point and laugh. Watching Detroit for the last year and half was worse than enduring a marathon of those painfully unfunny Coors Light press conference commercials. (Though I would submit that viewing Jared the Subway Guy "singing" with Michael Strahan and Justin Tuck comes a close second.) There was zero mystery in facing this team. With apologies to Dennis Green, the Lions were who we thought they were.

Armed with this information and the knowledge that the Redskins needed desperately to salvage the remaining slivers of league respect, Currently Coach Zorn's team led the Redskins...to perhaps the worst thirty mintues of football in franchise history. Zero rushing yards. Eight minutes of offense. 94 passing yards. Detroit converted 9 of 11 third downs. Scoring drives were allowed of 11, 12, and 17 plays, including one drive of 99 yards. Detroit's quarterback was having a ball, winking to receivers, slapping buttocks and wagging his tongue like Jordan as he embarrassed the Skins' defense.

As the FOX halftime circus began, Pops and I played a depressing but nonetheless entertaining game of "Who Screwed This Up?" We don't really call it that, but that's where the discussion usually ends up. Pops, never a member of CHASM, laid the goose egg of scoring at Jason Campbell's feet. (It didn't help that Campbell let a dry football slip from his hand while trying to pass, Bad News Bears-style.) I argued that Zorn's horrendous decision making raised the stink--who doesn't take the easy field goal but instead calls a lazy off-tackle run on 4th and goal? Who accepts a third down penalty, giving a red hot Detroit offense another attempt when they'd just effortlessly moved the ball 60 yards on your defense?

"What the [cheese 'n grits] are you doing?!?"

Pops always gets the last word in Who Screwed This Up?, and his pearl of wisdom was "You know, George Allen always said that 'Your first drive of the second half determines how you'll finish. '" Um, I didn't think Allen ever said that, but I deferred on the grounds that I was around five years old when he coached. The Redskins did register a pulse by scoring quickly on their first drive of the second half. But then they reverted right back to the inepticalities (trust me, it's in the dictionary) and had to scramble at the end to try and save face.

Mike Wise asked the question "if you lose to the worst team in football, doesn't that make you the new worst team in football?" Ouch. Allow me, sir, to proffer another question: "If Jim Zorn can't prepare his team to face the worst team in football, and can't rally his troops to come back after half time against the worst team in football...then why are you here?"

What the [shizzlesticks] are you doing?!?

SCORECARD
Offense -- C. Kudos to Santana Moss for gouging their secondary for nearly 180 yards. And not getting into any fights.

Defense -- D. No, make it an F. The defense was so bad it made Pops run to the computer to add Matthew Stafford to his fantasy team. "He's gotta be good!"

Sp. Teams -- B.- I said it last week, I'll say it again: could we run back a kick for a touchdown? Once? Please?

Coaching -- F. My buddy Big Wes sent me this text: "The Saints called. They would like to donate their holey paper sacks to wear for your next home game." Well that was hurtful. Believe me, if I was attending, you'd see me sporting a Whole Foods chapeau. Perhaps Zorn could use one to escape off the field next week.

NEXT UP
When this season started, fans looked at the home game versus the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as just another of the candy canes the Redskins would beat on their way to a probable 5-2 start. (Lose to the Giants, beat the Rams, Lions, Bucs, Panthers, Chiefs, lose to Dallas.) At this point, there are no easy games, no guaranteed wins, and no room for error. If I were Daniel Snyder, I'd place a cardboard cutout in the owner's box and watch from home. Just in case the fans realize who really is at the center of this mess of a team and storm his suite with flaming seat cushions.

I am hoping against hope, wishing all I can wish, dreaming of what might be. Skins win, 17-10. I need to lie down. The percocet's setting in...

Week Two: Taboo to boo?

Rams 7, Redskins 9

I've followed these Washington Redskins for more than three decades, and I feel confident in saying that I have experienced the full range of highs and lows. But I have never, ever, ever seen the Redskins booed by the home team after a win.

Yes, the Skins have had their share of despicable home performances, such as the 1997 Monday night loss to the Giants when Gus Frerotte injured himself celebrating at touchdown and the Skins couldn't muster a field goal to break the tie. Then there was the 35-point loss in 1998 to the Steve Young 49ers at then-Jack Kent Cooke Stadium. The Redskins deserved every catcall, hiss, and boo that rained down from above.

But on Sunday, did the Redskins deserve to be jeered like the Undertaker as they left the field after outscoring another highly paid, highly trained franchise?

Absolutely.

Here's how the rest of the media viewed the win: "Redskins edge Rams in low scoring affair" (NBC). "Redskins settle for field goals to get past Rams (ESPN)." "I think I haven't seen a win that seemed so much like a loss as Washington's 9-7 snoozer over the Rams (Sports Illustrated)."

So imagine how I, and approximately 90,000 of my Redskins-loving brethren, felt when Zorn and his West Coast "offense" produced nine points at home against a far inferior opponent. What level of frustration might we have been experiencing for three hours when we saw dropped touchdowns, Zorn fooling no one with a failed red zone 3rd down option pass, and not one but two tremendously dangerous 4th down rushes when a field goal would seal the game?

How do you express your displeasure at such gridiron impotence?

Booooooooooooooooo! (Breathe.) Boooooooooooooo!

Not only did I boo during the game, but I booed the Redskins hours later as I watched the Cowchips and the Giants display gritty, competitive, score-some-points football. (Even if they did so in the Den of Iniquity where they feature Go-Go Girls and Jerry Jones' habitual nose-picking.) I booed when I saw that the Baltimore Ravens are the second highest scoring offense in the league. Truth be told, I let a boo slip out Monday night as I watched Peyton Manning hit Dallas Clark for an 80- yard touchdown on the first play of the game and as Miami responded with the multiple Wildcats to tie the game moments later.

For the Redskins fan, we booed because we know that our team plays in the toughest division in football. We booed because we know that medicore performances might make us a contender in the pansy NFC West (apologies to the good lookin' SanFranSingletary 49ers), but it is certain to doom us to being bottom-feeding plecostomus of the East. We booed because the Redskins haven't beaten an opponent by more than eight points since Zorn arrived.

We booed because--wait a minute, there's a Tweet coming in from a Redskin player, Robert Henson. Let's see if he can shed some light on the fan reaction from Sunday:

All you fake half hearted Skins fan can .. I won't go there but I dislike you very strongly, don't come to Fed Ex to boo dim wits!! ... No I didn't play but I still made more than you in a year and you'd [gladly] switch spots with me in a second, I was talking to the fans [who] said the crazy stuff, I'm use [to] heckling but I've never been booed in my own stadium....

Well that was enlightening, Mister 186th Pick In The Draft. Henson, whose jersey can't possibly get soiled as third string middle linebacker, also added that the fans can't possibly know what the team should do since they work 9 to 5 at McDonald's.

Now, to be fair, Henson did apologize on Monday, after he was corrected by fans, veteran teammates, and on the air by a livid Comcast SportsNet's Brian Mitchell. (No one enjoys the journalistic use of expletives like Sir Mitchell, eh?) But the damage is done.

The irony of Henson's tweets is that the exact opposite is true: I have every right to call you out vocally when I use my 9 to 5 to subsidize your multi-million dollar contract. I am perfectly justified to boo from my $5000 Dream Seat when your offense can't get out of its own way. Heck, I can boo you because I wear your team's colors on my back and its symbol on my head.

I can boo you because we fans deserve much, much more than what you're giving us. Don't like it? Move to Jacksonville where they blackout telecasts because the fans don't go to the games.

What Worked

The defense played well, though it again allowed sustained drives by the opposition. "Bend but don't break" as a defensive philosophy makes me nervous. I am continually concerned that DeAngelo Hall tackles like Deion Sanders after his manicure and that LaRon Landry goes all-or-nothing on some of his hits. But I'll take those issues, especially when the team so greatly benefits from the guys up front: Orakpo, Haynesworth, Carter and Griffin. Add in team leaader London Fletcher and I suspect the D will save the offense's bacon more than a few times in 2009.

Jason Campbell helped stave off the folding of CHASM (Campbell the Hero Apologist Society of Maryland) with a "well, at least he didn't lose it for us" performance. But getting to the promised land isn't the same as going in the promised land. Just ask Moses. If he's available. Should the Redskins score just a touchdown or two on those 12 plays inside the 10 yard line, they look like they've hit a stride and are expected to win the upcoming games against the Detroit Sisters of Mercy and the Kansas City Glee Club.

What Didn't Work

Anyone seen Santana Moss? Does he still run patterns designed to make him available to catch a forward pass?

SCORECARD
OFFENSE F (Thank Heaven there's a Cooley on our team.)
DEFENSE B
Sp. TEAMS C (Wouldn't a nice, long, highlight-making punt return be nice? Once a year too much to ask?)
COACHES F (I'm reserving the Z-minus for when Zorn really tanks a game.)

NEXT UP
Detroit welcomes Washington, hoping to put the game out of reach by scoring 14 points. Fletcher and Company will have none of it. Redskins win, 13-7.

Week One: Back on Familiar Ground

Week One: Back on Familiar Ground

It has been nearly three years since the Redskins Review dove into the exciting, hopeful, and heartbreaking world of the Washington Redskins. When last we spoke, it was November 2006, and the Redskins were enduring a painful 5-11 end to a their season. Under center was the rapidly deteriorating southpaw, Mark Brunell. (Would you believe that he's still earning an NFL paycheck? Is he 60 yet?) The last Review post, ironically, noted that Jason Campbell, a 2005 Auburn draft choice by Coach Gibbs, was to be named the starter on November 19, 2006. At the time, Gibbs said, "When we drafted him we felt like we had a very talented person there, and certainly when we give him the starting job we're going to do everything we can to support him, and hopefully it's going to be something that he takes and makes the most of."

In 2007 the Redskins fans finally got to taste a bit of the sweet nectar that owner Daniel Snyder has been spending gazillions on: the playoffs. The team endured a mid-season four game losing streak (including Gibbs' infamous double-time out gaffe versus the Bills) and the unsettling murder of Sean Taylor to make a wholly unexpected late season run into the playoffs, where they self-destructed in Seattle.

In that offseason, Coach Gibbs downshifted into the NASCAR sunset, defensive coordinator and fan-nominated successor Gregg Williams left after being snubbed for the head coaching position, and the Era of Zorn began in 2008. Jim Zorn, whose previous claim to NFL fame was as the Seattle Seahawks' quarterback coach, rode into a town where virtually none of the residents knew his name. That's not necessarily a bad thing--a virtually unknown Illinois senator managed to earn D.C.'s most powerful position when two years prior few could spell his name correctly. But it had to be clear to Zorn when he signed on the dotted line: win now or else. (Or as I like to say, "you can't spell 'Washington' without the 'win.' " Something like that.)

To what heights did Zorn take the Redskins, a team who has had only two winning seasons and hasn't won their division since 1999? What did his West Coast, zippy-pass offensive stylings produce? Might the Redskins destroy the teams they're supposed to beat, and stand tall against superior talent? Would there be, finally, a prime-time worthy performance during prime time? Could they win against a four-fingered Tony Romo?

Nope.

8-8. Mediocrity.

The team lost 7 of its last 11 games after starting 4-1, losing to mutton chops San Francisco, St. Louis, and Cincinnati.

Let it be said that from 2006 until now, I have been a card carrying member of the Campbell the Hero Apologist Society of Maryland (CHASM). We meet on Tuesdays. Our once vivacious and vocal group has slimmed from hundreds of members to, well, a few hard core dreamers. (The initial meetings were held in the luxury boxes at FedEx Field. Now we're relegated to the "executive dining area" of the Route 100 Golden Corrall.)

In our manifesto it is decreed that: 1.Sir Campbell, when given the same benefits of consistent coaching enjoyed by the Peyton Mannings and Tom Bradys of the world, will prove to be the man worth three draft picks. 2. Campbell simply needs a good offensive line, a fair amount of time to pass, and a moderate running game to be able to take the Redskins offense to heights nary seen in decades. 3. Campbell is a great guy, a God-fearing gentleman who not only gives back to D.C.'s community, but dates Miss District of Columbia 2007. (Now if that's not commitment to your new home town, I don't know what is.) By this we stand, ready to defend what some might see as inconsistent/nonexistent decision making in the pocket.

This brings us, fatefully, to Week One of the Redskins' 2009 NFL season. The talk before kickoff was that this season--a contract year for Jason Campbell--is to be the Year We Get It Together. After dumping more than $100 million into Albert Haynesworth and the defense, now that draft picks Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas are fully healed, given that Campbell has finally learned one playbook under one offense, it is assumed that it will all come together for positive, postseason success.

Giants 23, Redskins 17.

Egad. Don't let the six points fool you: the Redskins were handled for the entire game. The Redskins looked, aside from one brilliant (or was it desperate?) fake field goal touchdown, exactly like the Redskins of last season...of the previous season...of the one before that. Even when it looked like it was maybe-just-maybe possible that they could score once, get the onside kick, then score again, the team had already emitted such a mildly irritating odor that Redskins fans just knew it wasn't going to happen.

(One quick aside: the New England Patriots faced nearly the exact same circumstances on Monday night against the Buffalo Bills, yet I watched expecting Brady and company to pull off some miracle. I was sure that Magic Tom would somehow score quickly, then alter time, space, and NFL rules and get the ball back again, then score a last-second touchdown. How did it turn out? See for yourself.)

So how quick was the fallout from the Redskins' performance? Let's see what the Washington Post columnists thought: It's Early, But Soon It May Be Late, New Year, Same Results So Far , Waiting for a Huge Impact ,Under Center and Under the Gun. Here are the cliff's notes: Campbell and the Redskins had better win, and do so soon. As in, Sunday against the doormat Rams.

CHASM would humbly add this as well: Campbell simply cannot have another "garbage time touchdown/interception/two fumble" day. He cannot get happy feet in the pocket before getting sacked. He cannot stare down Chris Cooley before he throws his way. He must manage the game, not be managed by it.

Jason Campbell must manage this game to success. The future of CHASM, and perhaps his future as a Redskin, depend upon it.

Gulp.

The End, Sadly, is Here

Washington 3, Philadelphia 27

The fat lady hasn't just sung. By now she's left the studio, dating Kevin Federline, and waiting for royalties from the Diddy remix.

The 2006 Redskins season ended, unofficially, in the third quarter of Sunday's loss to the Eagles when Sheldon Brown returned an interception 70 yards to give Philadelphia a 27-3 lead. One might argue that mathematically, this team could run the proverbial table and slip into a wild card slot. But you, me, and anyone who watched Washington yesterday would agree that this team ain't goin' anywhere. The offense can't score. The defense gets beaten regularly for big plays. The special teams, God bless 'em, shine on coverage and returns. But kicker-of-the-week Novak is, what, 3 for 7 this season? Meanwhile, everyone from the wideouts to the defensive backs to the punter make stupid, momentum-killing penalties. Mix in a challenging division and, well, there's the recipe for a 3-6 record.

I'm not sure which was more sad to see: a battle-weary Mark Brunell getting heated and defensive while answering postgame questions from the Comcast SportsNet team (the essence of which was "do you think it's time to bench yourself?"), or hearing defensive coordinator Gregg Williams inappopritely praise his defense after they did little to improve their 30th-place NFL ranking.
I would submit that this season was bound for a fiery demise, like one of those cartoon trains barrelling toward a broken-track precipice, since the end of last season. It was then, not long after coming a few plays short of the NFC Championship, that this organization (owner Daniel Snyder incorrectly gets all of the blame) made some critical decisions. I can't point to which one was the most deadly, but taken in concert they twisted their mustache, blew out the overpass and sabotaged the locomotive's brakes.

It became apparent as the 2005 season drew to its exciting close that Mark Brunell didn't have much left in the tank. His throws weren't nearly as crisp and accurate as they'd been months earlier. No longer did he seem able to launch a strike 60-yards to an in-stride receiver, as he did in September to help beat the Cowchips. Pass rushes confounded him, and his legs failed to protect him from defensive end rushes. Whether by injury, fatigue, or just plain age, he leaned more heavily on the crutch of dump offs to his backs and tight ends. Yet Coach Gibbs stuck with his hand-picked quarterback. Brunell's 2006 season has been little more than an exaggeration of his depreciation. Sure, his passer rating is in the top ten and he's thrown but four interceptions, but the bottom line--points on the board--don't lie. He isn't getting it done. As nice a guy as he certainly seems to be, it is time to pat him on the back and wish him well.

Ask (or complain enough) and you shall receive: Campbell starts on Sunday!

Let's not put the Redskins' woes completely on Brunell because, frankly, Gregg Williams' stock has dropped in direct proportion to his defense's ranking. Only two teams have worse rankings than Washington. To put in perspective, the Houston Texans, Detroit Lions, and San Francisco 49ers (!) have better overall defenses. By at least two ranking places. Sheesh. Somehow we were fooled, following last season, that Williams possessed the same magic plentifully found in New England, where the scheme is so great that random players can be inserted and removed while the squad maintains a high performance level. This season, we let Ryan Clark walk, replaced by the financially bloated contract of Adam Archuleta, and then relieve him with 50-year old Troy Vincent. And yet the Eagles could still throw deep. Sigh.

So at this point, with only mathmatics telling the Redskins they won't be watching the playoffs from home, isn't it time to see what first round pick, linebacker Rocky McIntosh, can do? Hey, with Clinton Portis out with a broken hand (and, dare we say, only so-so when healthy), can we reveal the value of trading a third round pick to Atlanta for T.J. Duckett? How 'bout we parse down that Al Saunders playbook from 700 to, say, 70 pages and see what happens?

What do we have to lose?