Gibbs Can't Win For Losing

The media's love with Coach Gibbs continues to barrel headlong toward a jagged precipice. What a surprise. The sports media has seen all the evidence they need to judge Coach Gibbs on how he hasn't been able to keep some of his so-called core players. Surely, they suggest in not-so-subtle ways, Ol' Joe has lost a step in the game, perhaps spending too much time inhaling NASCAR gas fumes while the NFL morphed into its current state.

For instance, on Tuesday's 6PM SportsCenter, one of the "5 Burning Questions" in sports was the following: Has Joe Gibbs' legend lost luster in Washington?" Mr. Sal Paolantonio's talking head fielded the question, and said that in light of Washington spending more than $10 million in free agency last season--more than any other team--yet finishing last in the NFC East, yes, he has lost luster in the eyes of Redskin fans. It should be noted, Sal continued, that Gibbs went to Daniel Snyder with a controlled-spending plan, and that led to the loss of Pierce to the Giants and Smoot to the Vikings.

On Saturday's Full Court Press, hosted by NBC-4 sportscaster George Michael, a roundtable of sports yakkers including the Washington Post's Michael Wilbon and ESPN's Stephen A. Smith considered whether Coach Gibbs has any idea what he's doing with the team. The outspoken Smith, never one to resist the siren's call of a preposterous question, immediately had an answer. But first he feigned disgust, griping "I'm sick of seeing these senior citizens disguised as coaches." He didn't elaborate as to whom he might be alluding, but continued complaining about Gibbs, reasoning that from last season's results and this offseason that the game has passed him by. Mike Wilbon didn't necessarily agree with Stephen Smith, but opined that coaches in charge of player personnel are rarely successful and that the players benefit from having separate general managers.

I know I touched on this topic last week, but seeing these two programs got me worked up again. Gibbs is in an unfortunate no-win situation. If he pays out large sums of money to keep players like Fred Smoot, the Redskins continue their mortgage-the-future habits; if he stands on principle and refuses to finance high-priced free agents, Gibbs is painted as a senile tightwad who has lost his grip on the team.

Now Common Sense 102 says that if something doesn't work, do something else. The Redskins have stunk up the NFC East for far too long, and been a laughingstock of the league because of the searching-for-a-cure spending by the front office. Might it be time to applaud a coach who looks two or three years down the road and plans accordingly? There's a word for that. Leadership.

I believe the Redskins will have a better season than last year, and sometime during November the pundits will sing "...Gibbs has turned this team around...the team really trusts Gibbs..." Sure, sure. Hop on the bandwagon now. There's always room in March.

There was plenty of other news for the Skins this week. Check me out at MVN's Hog Heaven!

One more thing:

Dear Mr. Stephen A. Smith,

I am not surprised by your comments, considering that you cover the NBA more than the NFL. I respect your right to an opinion, but please don't delude yourself into believing that because you speak with passion you speak with precision. After hearing your commentary, I no longer wonder what the "A" in your name stands for.

Sincerely,
Jeff

Gibbs' Patriot Game

The news for Washington hasn't improved much in the last couple of days, depending on who you want to listen to. Last week, the Skins lost their most productive tackler to an NFC East rival. As my Hog Heaven partner Chris mentioned earlier this week, Laveranues Coles was traded to the New York J-E-T-S for Santana Moss and Fred Smoot signed with the Minnesota Vikings.

Now Coach Gibbs finds himself having to defend the losses of Laveranues Coles and Fred Smoot, two of his so-called "core" players. Come to think of it, the only other player Gibbs called "core" was recently re-signed Chris "Skins4Life" Samuels. Losing two of your three keeper players doesn't sound like good management, does it?

Ah, but His Joeness makes what I think is a pretty compelling argument for his stance. On Thursday, Gibbs stated that, given the team's budget, he did his best to keep the players he wanted as a foundation for the future. Some were either unhappy or asked for more money than he was willing to give. Coach also noted how successful the Patriots have been while smartly handling money. The Washington Post says he put it pretty simply: "If we go too far on one player...it's going to cost us other players." The rest of that news conference is here. Imagine that: the Redskins following Suze Orman's 9 Steps to Financial Freedom.

Ironic, isn't it, how Washington's front office has been maligned and mocked as Fantasy Football managers for years now (and yes, I may have captained that boat), yet when Gibbs shows some fiscal responsibility by refusing to budge on an offer to Fred Smoot while retaining most of his other free agents, he has to face the proverbial media music? If he decided to go cash-happy, wouldn't the D.C. faithful roll their eyes and raise the SOS (Same Old Skins) flag? Mike Wise over at the Post goes so far as to suggest that trying to emulate the proven Patriot method of free agency is foolish. Huh?

Even in fantasy football the method works. Those who followed the Redskins Review this past season know that I chronicled my Fantasy Football league, Festivus Maximus. My brother Roy joined the league in August, not long before our draft. Because some team owners didn't return, he ended up inheriting one of their teams which contained such standouts as Ricky "High Times" Williams and Morten "Single Bar" Andersen. His squad suffered untimely injuries and uncharacteristic poor production en route to a 2-6 midseason record. And one of those wins was by forfeit.

So he employed his own version of the Patriot Game, stalking the free agent waiver wires for cheap, available players whom he believed could rise and shine. Who-dats and third-stringers like Reuben Droughns, Lee Evans and Michael Clayton found their way onto Roy's Boys. Meanwhile, the rest of the league laughed at his Quixotic desperation. That was, until he went undefeated the rest of the regular season, upsetting nearly every top team and eventually hoisting the Festivus Championship trophy.

That said, I think that plugging Lemar Marshall in for Pierce and Walt Harris in for Smoot isn't as egregious a crime as the critics think because of how effective Gregg Williams' defensive schemes were last year. Again, who-dats filled in for our Matt Bowen and LaVar Arrington. It also appears that Gibbs & Company want to go deep more often with Moss and Patten, an exciting proposition when you consider that Patrick "Pharaoh" Ramsey has a strong arm. If he can keep on eye on his hot reads (likely Clinton Portis and Chris Cooley), this offense could finally, um, score some points.

In other news, hats off to the Baltimore Ravens who look startingly like the Skins and Jets two season ago, picking two players (cornerback Samari Rolle and wideout Derrick Mason) from one team. The Titans' loss is the Ravens' gain, solidifying an already stingy defense and finally giving Kyle "Hail Mary" Boller somebody to throw to not named Heap. I know it's only March, but I'm a little fearful of the Baltimore defense.

By the way, if anyone's interested in tickets to the sold-out Jill Scott concert, word on the street is that Mike Tice can hook you up.

Good news to report for the Redskins Review. We've been picked up by the Most Valuable Network, a freelance journalist sports site, covering sports form baseball to football to hockey. I'll be contributing my Review blogs to MVN, sharing space on the Hog Heaven page with my partner Chris Hiteshew. I'll continue to add my thoughts on NFL action in both arenas. Check it out sometime and leave a comment!

Pierce, Patten...Progress?

As these tenuous days of the NFL free agency continue, the news for Washington both improves and saddens. The bad news (and I say “bad” in a relative sense; it’s not as bad as, say, news of the continued modern exploitation of childhood favorites like Herbie the Love Bug and Bugs Bunny) is that middle linebacker Antonio Pierce has signed with Sábado Gigante. Pierce led Washington with 112 total tackles—85 solo—and also contributed two interceptions and fumble recoveries. He’s going to be missed, though the silver lining for the despondent fan is that defensive coordinator/maestro Gregg Williams was able to compensate for multiple player injuries on the fly all season. And we still finished the season ranked as a top five defense.

Replacing Pierce—whom Coach Gibbs desperately wanted to keep as a “core player”—won’t be easy. Fortunately, the Skins have some good replacements. Mike Barrow is back from injury and likely will stand in Pierce’s stead; the Washington Post reports that Lemar Marshall, who stood in when LeVar Arrington was injured, may shift from outside linebacker to the middle to help compensate.

What stinks is that an NFC East rival picked Pierce up.

Washington’s good news is the acquisition of former Ravens center Casey Rabach and former Patriot wide receiver/defensive back/kick returner/tax accountant David Patten. This is exciting news, particularly in light of the resigning of Chris “Skins4Life” Samuels and the impending departure of Rod “Parkay” Gardner. Laveranues Coles may still be swapped for New York Jet Santana Moss, so Patten could by virtue step into a top receiving spot. I dunno about you, but I lack confidence in the likes of Darnerian McCants, so we should look into grabbing another above-average wideout.

Nonetheless, the Skins look like they’re wisely choosing their free agents, based upon blatant deficits. Sure the linebacker loss is great; but the improvement of the offensive line and receiving corps provides more than enough balance. So far (and it’s early!), Gibbs and Company are walking with wisdom.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Welcome, dear friends, to the magical time when Redskins fans slumber peacefully, warmed by vivid visions of post-season play. The sub-par season having begun its fade from memory, we contentedly roll over and smile; our dreams are sprinkled with Super Bowl pixie dust born from the checkbook of Mister Sandman, Daniel Snyder.

Ah, March. The offseason. This is when the Redskins' season truly begins. This is when we make our championship run. Ironically, this is also where our seasons are lost.

For the last couple of years, Washington Redskins fans have knelt at the altar of Free Agent Saviors, each season believing that these acquisitions are the One Thing that this team was missing to take it over the Cowchips, past the Eagles, and into the playoffs. Since 2000, the Redskins have cracked .500 a grand total of once. And that coach, quizzically, was fired. Snyder has consistently bankrolled the highest-salary, least-productive players possible. We're like the Yankees, but, you know, without the wins, prestige and championships.

Lest we make the same mistake this year, let us reflect upon some of the mighty offseason pickups who were supposed to spark the Return To Glory, but essentially got their children Snyder Fund college scholarships. It's painful to recall, like picking a week-old scab, but so very necessary. Grab your Neosporin and remember when D.C. was excited about:

Mark Carrier...Irving Fryar...the Family Schottenheimer...Jeff George...Brad Johnson (okay, he wasn’t that bad)...Ray Rhodes...Bruce Smith...Deion Sanders...Eddie Murray...Shane Matthews...Jeremiah Trotter...Jessie Armstead...Chad Morton...Steve Spurrier...Trung Canidate…Mark Brunell…

Free agency can work wonders, too. One should note that via free agency, the Baltimore Ravens managed to find gems by the names of Tony Siragusa, Rod Woodson, Sam Adams, and some guy named Shannon Sharpe to produce a Super Bowl Champion.

But those positive results are few and far between for this Washington organization. Laveranues Coles had a very good year, catching a career-high 90 passes, assistant coach Gregg Williams crafted a top-ranked defensive scheme that succeeded despite injuries to key players, and though the team finished below 8-8, Joe Gibbs is a dedicated and determined leader for the (near) future.

This team hopefully has learned its lesson, and appears to be showing the kind of calculated restraint that produces a stable franchise. Daniel Snyder isn’t flying veterans across the country and treating them to gourmet crabcakes. Yet. Perhaps now we are seeing the real influence of Coach Gibbs on Daniel Snyder.
This Redskins team already has the makings of a contender, but for some offensive gaps (one of which was shored up with the generous resigning of tackle Chris Samuels). But true to our history, Washington’s name came up when Randy Moss was shopping around; and former Tennessee Titan Samari Rolle is rumored to be a replacement for departing Fred Smoot. Can’t leave well enough alone, can we?

And whaddaya know, Brad Johnson is now available!

Super Bowl Shufflin'

Super Bowl XXXIX
New England 24, Philadelphia 21

Raise your hand if you thought there would be any other outcome than this: the Patriots win a hard-fought World Championship with great defense, zero Tom Brady interceptions, by the margin of an Adam Vinatieri field goal. I mentioned in my last post that New England and Philadelphia were predestined to meet; they were the better teams on paper since August. And darn if there were few surprises when the teams finally met.

So in a way this game lacked some of the dramatic luster of previous Super Bowls. Oh, it was solid football, but lacked the jaw-dropping aesthetics we've seen before, even in blowout contests. I suppose that would've required Mike Vick and the Falcons to win two weeks ago. Can you imagine Tedy Bruschi and company trying to spy Vick all day? That would've been good theater, even if the final score could've duplicated Sunday's.

Some observations:

• Philadelphia should've won this game. Let's be honest. You often don't catch Belichick's boys looking so rusty early on. The Sports Guy wrote that if ever Vinatieri was to miss an important kick, it'd be a shock. I was equally aghast that in the first half Brady and Dillon missed a simple handoff, creating a fumble in the red zone. These guys are so good, so disciplined that I was slack-jawed at early-season mistake. The Eagle's defense came to play, pressuring normally stable Tom Brady enough to produce the necessary three-n-outs. Sounds like a prescription for victory to me. But the Philadelphia offense couldn't carry the weight, producing a scant seven points despite great support from their special teams and D. Credit to the Pats' defense, of course, but McNabb had a subpar game (if one can say that about a 350+ yard passing day) and made some critical mistakes that outweighed any brilliant plays. Once New England settled down and got their running game going, the handwriting was on the wall. Early in the second quarter, I looked at my boy D-Trux and proclaimed "the New England defense is smarter than the Eagles' offense." I don't think I was proven wrong.
• I was surprised Donovan wasn't sent on planned scrambles and bootlegs. I know he'd prefer being a pocket passer, but New England sure looked like they knew this preference and I think it would've provided an x-factor (boy, there's an overused sports term) that that Pats may not have schemed for.
  
• It's been noted, first by oval-headed FOX analyst Chris Collinsworth, that the Eagles' last meaningful drive was horrific even though it produced seven points. With just over five minutes to play, holding two timeouts and down by two scores, Philly looked positively lethargic in playcalling and execution. McNabb didn't look like he was particularly concerned about conserving time. It was weird, as if Coach Andy Reid had a secret, 10-point play in the back of the Philly playbook marinating for just such an occasion as this.
  
• One positive from the Eagles' loss is that the free world no longer has to hear blathering bravado from wideout Freddie Mitchell. After Sunday's performance (1 catch, 11 yards) he is such an easy target for mockery that the NFL should petition federal courts for a nationwide gag order. Since they haven't (yet), I'll take my potshots. Flamboyant Freddie not only has two nicknames (one shoplifted from wrestling superstar The Rock, the other too wack to grace even this blog), but actually has one of his entourage walking behind him carrying a faux boxing-style championship belt. Odd, I didn't see that guy Sunday night. On Media Day, Mitchell called out ESPN's former-player analysts, blasting them for critiquing his play. ("It's fast out there!" Freddie said. No kidding, ESPNews' Eric Allen remarked. Catch the ball.) This fool called out the Patriot's secondary, calling them no-names. Fabulous Freddie has--you ready?--five career touchdowns and has never reached 500 receiving yards in a season. By contrast, Washington's Rod Gardner began his career at the same time and has twenty-two touchdowns, has never had less than 600 receiving yards, and is probably going to be traded in the offseason. Fab Five Freddie, live long and in silence.
• Speaking of receivers, Fantasy Stud Terrell Owens again frustrated the naysayers, who hoped that he couldn't walk the talk and would be a nonfactor. (OK, I might have suggested he'd have a four-catch day too.) But T.O. got loose for almost 125 yards on nine catches and reminded us that he has the biggest heart of any wideout in the game. He didn't look 100%, but New England needed to respect him. And when they didn't, by giving him space on the corners or one-on-one, Owens made great grabs and good cuts. If you don't choose him for your fantasy team and you stink next year, don't blame me. My boy BigWes wondered if T.O. might have been more distraction than help. The way I see it, with Todd Pinkston needing a Gatorade IV and Flamin' Freddie still on the team bus, Owens needed to play and could only make the Eagles more competitive. Philly may have something special in young receiver Greg Lewis.
  
• Man that was a numbingly-dull halftime show. Look, Paul McCartney's contribution to modern rock is undeniable. But it's equally clear that he doesn't exactly move the crowd like he used to. Nobody at Ryan the Commish's spot, where I caught the game, cared much for the pyrotechnics, laser show, and Hollywood Casting Agency crowd. My wife put it best: "They need to have somebody else out there with him."
  
• What in the name of Moses was that John Travolta movie about? The commercial began with the groan-inducing voice over introducing us to some painfully square white guy in urban gear who wants to be a gangster. Excuse me, "gangsta." Next you see Black tough guys (including Outkast's Andre 3000) who proclaim to said wannabe "you jus' tryin' to be Black!" I must've been watching PBS when the news broke that Black people are gangsters. If that's not bad enough, Travolta is introduced because he IS a real gangsta. You can tell because he beats people up and wears dark colors. Before you can say "Tarantino," Uma Thurman suddenly appears and she and Travolta reprise their Pulp Fiction dance club scene. Then they make a record. I think that's the plot. I don't know because my anguished screams drowned out everything else.
• Enough with the monkeys at the office, CareerBuilder. We got the joke early and every successive ad assumed we didn't understand it the first time.
• Don't you miss the 1970s/80s Miller Lite commercials, starring Bob Uecker ("I must be in the front row...!"), Rodney Dangerfield and a host of old-school tough guys like Bubba Smith, Joe Piscopo and Dick Butkus? Fans over 30 know what I'm talking about. The memories of those "Less Filling!/Tastes Great!" rivalries still bring a smile, especially the classic "All we need is one pin, Rodney..." Now if Miller had any sense, they'd reunite some of those NFL greats (including quarterback/whipping boy Bert Jones) and film one more for ol' times' sake. I'd love it more than any ad I saw on Sunday's broadcast.
  
• It doesn't matter how ESPN tries to spin it; the Pro Bowl is not worth watching. I've tried for many years to draw upon some enthusiasm for one side (usually the NFC), but Lord knows the truth. Fans don't care. Why? Unlike the NBA All-Star games, defense is actually half the sport's attraction. A 13-10 game can be more riveting than one with a 45-28 final score. If two NBA teams can't score more than 60 in a game, fans just shake their heads and try to forget it as quickly as possible (which is easy since teams play 150 games per season). Let's not forget that none of the NFL starts want to get hurt playing in a meaningless game, so the Pro Bowl is more akin to watching light contract drills during trainging camp. Just with better weather and uglier uniforms. So forgive me if watching a bitter McNabb and Manning throw 40-yard bombs all day against 1/2 effort defensive backs doesn't grab my attention.
• There can't be much of an argument that New England isn't one of the best NFL teams in history, a living, breathing dynasty. Any bets on whether they'll be as strong next year, having lost key coaches?
• Redskins fans should be happy about Philadelphia's loss. So says my buddy Fresh Dan, who wrote me and offered this glimmer of sanguinity: "I figured a devastating loss for the Eagles could traumatize them and make them easier pickings for the Skins next year. Maybe now post-bowl in-fighting within the team will cause it to disintigrate from inside out and they will be easier vicitims next year. One can hope!"
  

So now we head into the vast wasteland between that is the time between the Super Bowl and the NFL Draft. Make sure you catch one of the 3,026 broadcasts of Game of the Week featuring Tampa Bay vs. Detroit in 2001. I think I'd rather dust off my unOfficial Redskins full-game DVDs and bask in the beauty of the original counter-trey.

One more note: His Joeness, Coach Gibbs, is back at work already for the Skins and is committed to his five-year contract. Yes, Dan, there is hope.

Random Rants

These are the days that try fans' hearts. We have more than a week left before any NFL action, and then it will be an overblown hypefest with a 60-minute halftime show. Real Football still exists, but only on the NFL Network's Game of the Week or through cleverly-attained full-game DVDs. The problem is that you've seen all of that before; what makes football so much fun to watch is the mystery of the unknown. No matter how many times I see the Ravens play the Titans in the 2000 Divisional Championship, the ending's the same: Eddie George becomes a shell of a man.

Nonetheless, some topics have arisen of late that you may find interesting. And since this is a blog, I am urged, nay, required, to pass my thoughts on to you. Even if I ramble illogical gibberish like Locke on Lost. And yes, I'm stalling until something significantly football-related happens.

Welcome to the EA Sports Super Bowl brought to you by the NFL...
Readers may recall that not long ago the Review made note of Electronic Arts' coup de grâce, snapping up the exclusive rights to promote NFL players, stadiums, logos, and other property in video games. The worry for football fantatics was that the rival ESPN NFL2K series would flounder and flail about, legally confined to making realistic, statistically accurate Canadian Football League video football. Ugh.

Well, things look better for ESPN and their partners. EA Sports, in its benevolence, tossed the following life preserver to its former rival: join us or die. That's paraphrased, of course, but look at the result. ESPN and Electronic Arts today announced a 15-year partnership, giving EA access to ESPN's broadcast, print and online content - as well as its stable of personalities - for all of its sports titles. The integration of the two brands will begin in 2006. So says CNN.

How ridiculous is the new EA Monolith? They also bought the licensing rights to Arena Football.

What makes this doubly interesting is that the EA Sports/John Madden contract has not been renewed. The CNN report notes that the future game, presumptively named Madden 2006, could be named "EA Sports Football." Videogame football without Madden? That's like B.E.T. without butt-shakin' videos, the Redskins without high-priced offseason free agents, and Yanni without his exceptional mustache. Just ain't the same.

On the other hand, I kind of like the idea of seeing a digitized Chris Berman at halftime, running through his Fastest 3 Minutes segment peppered with his unique brand of recapping. (My personal favorites are "MarshallMarshallMarshall!" and the Berman/Tom Jackson duet "San-de-a-go, super Chargers!") Plus you're bound to get a better immersion into the watching-a-game-when-you-aren't-playing experience. And can you put a price on finally hearing the Monday Night Football theme pre-game?

Let's not forget that Take Two, the company who produced the NFL2K series games, is now high, dry, and probably looking for the next Mario to recoup the significant loss of the ESPN brand.

Keep Your Cursed Pink Hearts and Yellow Moons
If there's one cereal that fully represents my youth, it was General Mills' Franken Berry. For those of you under 30, Franken Berry was a delicious strawberry-flavored concotion of ghost-shaped whole-grain pieces, accented by pink, strawberryish marshmallows. Come to think of it, it's like Lucky Charms, but tastes good. This cereal, and his siblings Count Chocula and Boo Berry (we'll ignore Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy, those short-lived, motherless children) stayed crispy despite milk immersion and provided the kid-friendly reward of sweetly-flavored milk when the cereal was finished. A true happy ending.

I bring this wonderful cereal to the forefront because I can't find it anywhere. Some web searching reveals that one can purchase Franken Berry from Amazon, but only for $4.00 a box (not including shipping) or as part of a $15 three-pack containing the Count and Boo. Not desirable, but a fair last resort. I have also heard that Frank's available during the Halloween season. That is clearly too long to wait for that strawberry sweetness. Finally, I am told through rumor that some states miraculously keep Franken Berry stocked on their shelves all year! Only one problem...I don't live in any of those states. I'm in Maryland. Anybody know specifically where a 30+ kid can get some Franken Berry?

I Call Him...Beatle-Man!
This recent news is further proof that the world is running out of good ideas: Stan Lee, the creator of such memorable comic book characters as Spider-Man and The Hulk has a new superhero franchise on the horizon. The hero will be based upon the life and persona of...Ringo Starr. You remember him: the only unoriginal member of the Beatles. The Associated Press reports that we can expect television and DVD programs featuring Captain Ringo, (or Sgt. PepperSpray, or whatever they come up with) within the next year or so. Ringo's alter ego is a secret--shh!--and is described as an "evil-battling, Earth-saving — though reluctant — superhero with a great sense of rhythm." Of course he is.

Why would Lee, who made Wolverine a household name, choose Ringo Starr to embody his superhero? Says Lee: "Ringo is beloved worldwide for his commitment to people and his singular wit." Apparently, Dr. Ben Carson, Christopher Walken, and Bill Gates weren't interesting enough.

I'll Take Fiction, Please
From the Sometimes Truth Is Strange Enough files: 1980s pop princess Deborah "Don't Call Me Debbie" Gibson is posing for Playboy; McDonald's is advertising their double quarter-pounders with the Internet vernacular "I'd Hit It;" and Michael Douglas has decided to star in another sequel to his two-decades old, inexplicably popular movie Romancing the Stone. Have mercy.

But for my dollar, the oddest thing I've heard is how dramatically the Arizona Cardinals have changed their team logo. Yes, they're still the Cardinals (and yeah, they'll still stink), but now their symbol is "more predatory and much more aggressive," says their vice president. I dunno what side of town you're from, but hitting Bold and Italic does not a killer make. Here's the evidence and here is the ESPN.com article, full of laughable quotes.

Coming soon: my picks on why both teams will win the Super Bowl...

Bacon Roethlisburgers, 1/2 Off

I don't know about you, but the news on Sunday of the passing of Johnny Carson sure hit home. I was killiing time before playoff football by watching NBC's domestic-heavy coverage of the Detroit Auto Show when they interrrupted the broadcast to announce the sad report. I was stunned, as when I heard of the recent death of Ray Charles. Nobody ever expects to live forever, and tomorrow is assured to none of us; but death sure seems to arrive ahead of schedule for some people.

Carson's Tonight Show was one of the few late night shows my parents allowed me to watch during my early years. I cherish the memory of sitting with my family and watching Johnny deftly ad-lib his way through dying material. He was something special, and represented for me one the last vestiges of great television comedy. He could be funny, sure, but his greatness in my eyes resides in the cleanliness of his humor. Of course, there were sly winks and double entedres that sailed over my head like a Roethlisberger pass, but it was his clever wit and delivery that charmed me into a loyal viewer. I was drawn to this man who looked to be doing exactly what he was born to do.

So then I admit a bit of naiveté, mourning the loss of these icons from my youth while shocked at their lack of immortality. But I shan't apologize; every faint remembrance of Charles Schultz, Fred Rogers, and Christopher Reeve is like a brief whiff of Mom's corn pancakes: they always make me smile. Good night, Johnny.

Want to know what gets my goat? NBC's website didn't even have any note of Carson's death on their front page on Monday morning. As of this writing, they've added a little square to the bottom right honoring the man whose show once produced more than 10% of NBC's total revenue and ended with 50 million viewers. What's prominently displayed when the page loads? Couple's Fear Factor. Have mercy.

Let's talk football.

I was speaking with my boy Ryan the Commish earlier today, and he reminded me that this season's Super Bowl matchup has been widely predicted since, oh, August. After all the talk this year about the Colts and Manning, the Chargers and Brees, Culpepper and Moss, and, um, Gibbs and Brunell, the very simple truth remained that the Philly Egos and New England Patriots are the best teams in their respective conferences. How true.

What I find amazing is that while both of these teams are perennial contenders, occasional conference champions, and one nears dynasty status, they both keep getting better. Consider that the Patriots and Eagles both finished last season ranked #1 and 3 respectively and still were able to pick up high-impact free agents in the offseason who perfectly filled their few weaknesses. Corey Dillon had his best year ever and Terrell Owens instantly made Donovan McNabb a pocket passer. That's good management of personnel and finances, and the rest of the league (et tu, Snyder?) would do well to learn from their example

The labored two weeks between conference championships and the Super Bowl give plenty of time for analysis and prognostiaction. But let me say here, now, that if Terrell Owens fails to play on Super Sunday, the Eagles will not win. If T.O. suits up and plays, I give the Eagles a 47.6% chance of winning. That is, it's more likely than not that the Patriots will repeat and ascend to the Pantheon of Great NFL Teams.

I was a bit dismayed at how unbalanced many of this season's playoff games turned out. The headlining games featuring Vick vs. McNabb, Manning vs. Brady, Roethlisberger vs. Belichick, Vick vs. Bulger, Culpepper vs. McNabb, Favre vs. Culpepper, and Manning vs. Mike Sherman all turned out to be one-sided smackdowns whose only drama was whether the losing team could make the score respectable. Thankfully, the Jets made the playoffs and provided some Real Fun Football, even if it wasn't Good.

So I'll wait a bit to predict a final score and confirm the Patriot's win. Think I'm overconfident of New England? Raise your hand if you thought Brady would go deep for two passes over 40 yards in the first half, including one for more than 60 for a touchdown. Nobody in Pittsburgh should have their hand up. The Patriots held the high-powered Colts to 3 points, then put up 41 on the road against the #1 seed in the AFC. They humbled the league MVP and Rookie of the Year in consecutive weeks, and were never challenged. They can run, they can pass, they have a wide receiver playing in nickel defense. What can't they do?

I dunno about you, but if I'm Andy Reid and the Eagles, I don't sleep these two weeks and prepare to do what appears to be the impossible: outsmart the New England Patriots.

Divisional Playoff Pick 'Em

Before we unveil this weekend's playoff picks, there is some sad news to report. It appears that the horrific devastation and loss of life in South Asia have forced the cancellation of the February re-make of the 1985 anthem We Are The World. NBC reports that Quincy Jones, the producer of the original hit, which supported the USA for Africa relief efforts by selling millions of records, felt that the timing of this project (to be named We Are The Future) in the wake of the tsunami catastrophe was inappopriate.

We here at the Redskins Review couldn't agree more, and applaud Q's sensitivity. However, the comedic value of a 21st century We Are The World is simply too great to ignore. There are more than enough modern crackpots to fill the slots once occupied by such great artists as Steve Perry, Tito Jackson and Bette Midler. Thus, the Review is proud lend a hand and present the updated rosters for We Are The World 2005.

ORIGNAL ARTIST/REPLACEMENT
Dan Aykroyd...Vince McMahon
Harry Belafonte...Tiger Woods
Lindsey Buckingham...Lindsey Lohan
Kim Carnes...Britney Spears
Ray Charles...Jamie Foxx
Bob Dylan...Bono
Sheila E....Shakira
Bob Geldof...that guy who says "Seacrest out!"
Hall and Oates...Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard
James Ingram...Ray Lewis
Jackie Jackson...Usher
LaToya Jackson...Sharon Osbourne
Marlon Jackson...Jack Osbourne
Michael Jackson...Ozzy Osbourne
Randy Jackson...Kelly Osbourne
Tito Jackson...Lenny Kravitz
Al Jarreau...Jay-Z
Waylon Jennings...Jon Stewart
Billy Joel...Marilyn Manson
Cyndi Lauper...Christina Aguilera
Huey Lewis and the News...Green Day
Kenny Loggins...Kenny Loggins (he could use the work)
Bette Midler...Gwen Stefani
Willie Nelson...Regis Philbin
Jeffrey Osborne...Dave Chappelle
Steve Perry...William Hung
The Pointer Sisters...Destiny's Child
Lionel Richie...Marc Antony
Smokey Robinson...50 Cent
Kenny Rogers...Eminem
Diana Ross...Oprah
Paul Simon...Michael Moore
Bruce Springsteen...John Tesh
Tina Turner...Jennifer Lopez
Dionne Warwick...Queen Latifah
Stevie Wonder...R. Kelly

If Quincy's got any sense, he'll record a Making Of video and put it on pay-per-view. I'd pay $39.95 to see Tiger and Marilyn Manson working on their harmonies.

Let's get to some football. Here are my picks for this weekend's games:

New York Jets at Pittsburgh
Word on the Net is that Jets quarterback Chad Pennington arrived at practice this week looking like death warmed over due to some mysterious illness. The team actually refused to let him practice because of his condition. Coach Herm Edwards says that Pennington definitely will start this weekend. Anybody else think that Chad can pull a Jordan and play through flu-like symptoms? Me neither. Meanwhile, backup Quincy Carter had to step away from the team to attend to family matters. So that leaves one man to go under center, second-year wonder Brooks Bollinger. Yes, that Brooks Bollinger. The one who's thrown nine regular season passes. Good news, Jets fans: he completed five of them.

Pittsburgh walks into this game with Roethlisberger, Staley, Burress, Bettis, Ward, and Randle-El rested, healthy, and playing at home. The Steelers' defense should be able to clamp down on the run, should pick off two interceptions, and handle the Jets easily. Pittsburgh wins, 20-10.

Indianapolis at New England
My friend (and Cowchip rooter) Dr. Lim asked me about this game earlier today, and here's what immediately came to mind: "....But for the record, the Colts can beat the Patriots this weekend, particularly because the Pats don't have their two starting safeties and they have a wide receiver covering slot receivers. Imagine Deion Branch trying to cover Brandon Stokely. I laugh.

The key for the Colts is their defense. They need pressure on Brady by defensive end Dwight Freeney, but more importantly they have to stop Dillon and the run game. Everyone knows that Manning can't score if he's not on the field. So if Dillon can control the clock, the Pats win. If the defense forces some relatively quick 3-outs, the Colts win. Can the Colt defense do that? I don't think so, but it'll be fun to watch them try."

Let's not forget that the Colts defense was fortunate against Denver when a first down was negated on replay and Denver opted not to attempt a 4th and one near midfield. Indy promptly scored after both events, and the rout was on. In the second half, Denver put up three touchdowns with minimal effort. But for the enormous power of the ManningBoys, this game could've been close. Kind of.

The Colts' defense will lose this game for them. Colts 24, Patriots 30.

Minnesota at Philadelphia
Mike's Vikes sure sound confident coming into Ego territory. And perhaps they should: they marched into Lambeau Field (which now has the same amount of "magic" as Lothian, Maryland) and humbled the LemonPants. The Vikings' main concern is Randy Moss' sprained ankle, which apparently didn't hobble him enough to burn Green Bay defensive back Al Harris for the clinching touchdown. No worries about Randy.

The Philly Egos come into this game a wee nervous about their sudden impotence. Terrell Owens may be a lot of bad things, but he was a veritable godsend for this organization. Without him, Chunky Soul pitchman McNabb will likely be scramblin' around or handing off to tailback Brian Westbrook. That isn't the prescription for a win, even if you've had more than 30 days to revise your offense around passing to Todd Pinkston.

I hope the Liberty Bell is flame retardant, because the City of Brotherly Love is gonna burn Sunday evening. Vikings win, 21-20.

St. Louis at Atlanta
Folks have mentioned that St. Louis got the very best assignment for a second playoff game--inside the high-speed astroturf of the Georgia Dome. I concur, but it won't be enough to win. I don't know how, I don't know when, but Mike Vick is going to win this game for Atlanta. Remember in The Matrix Reloaded when Trinity was falling to certain doom, having been shot by an Agent? Remember how Neo was suddenly able to fly at Warp Factor Five to catch her at the last possible second? Remember how that felt? That's what Vick's gonna do for viewers of this game: save the world and blow your mind when he does it...

Holt and Bulger will hook up for two touchdowns and 154 yards; the Falcons need 60 yards to get into field goal range, possessing one time out but facing 20 seconds until the final gun. Atlanta will line up in four-wide set and send everyone on staggered post routes. Someone on the Rams will forget who's quarterbacking the Falcons and will drop back into coverage. Vick will dip, dive, disappear, and break free for a 40 yard run, with only 8 seconds remaining. With one play remaining, Atlanta opts to pray for a miracle. They go five-wide, and the Rams prepare for a Hail Mary, but someone will forget that Vick can still throw deep while on the run. At the snap, Vick faints a quarterback scramble, drawing absent-minded defenders forward. Superman launches a laser strike that would make Peyton happy to Alge Crumpler, who slipped to the rear corner. Happiness ensues.

Think I'm wrong? Falcons win, 28-24.

Playoff Fever...Catch It!

This first weekend of the NFL Playoffs is one of my favorites of any season, trumped only by the Divisional Playoff games coming this weekend. For me, all of the ingredients for excitement are doubly present during these two January weekends: good teams facing desperate, underdogs, knowing that their home field advantage is no guarantee of success; the season-ending finality of the contest; the harder-hitting, the deeper-strategizing, and the magnification of mistakes. Makes for drama in nearly every contest.

Plus it's football nearly eight hours of football on Saturday and Sunday.

This Wild Card Weekend certainly lived up to its billing. I mentioned last week that I wasn't looking forward to the games between St. Louis and Seattle nor Minnesota at Green Bay, on account that none of these teams looked like playoff material in the final weeks of the regular season. Yet still these clashes were competitive and, yes, entertaining. I can see Don Cheadle's next NFL commercial: "One team's 8-8, the other backed into winning a division. But you can't turn off the TV. That's how great the playoffs are: they can make even teams that stink watchable." By the way, if want to see some of those great playoff commercials, I found them here.

So watch I did, and here's what I saw:

St. Louis vs. Seattle

The Rams are suddenly the Bandwagon Pick against the Falcons after Marc "Battle of the" Bulger and company cooly passed all over the Seahawks' defense. The reason for Marc's success was containment of the Seattle pass rush. On his laser strikes to Torry Holt, Kevin Curtis, and Cam Cleeland, Bulger had time to throw against blitzes. Credit Marshall Faulk and his understudy Steven Jackson for part of that. Seattle's defenders clearly couldn't keep up with the Rams' receivers.

An aside: wasn't it nice seeing Ol' Faulk put up more than 50 yards and a touchdown? Might he have more moves left in the tank? Surely some team next year could use a guy with more unused energy than 65-year old Emmitt Smith--who, by the way, had more rushing yardage (937) than anybody in Kansas City, or Oakland and touchdowns (9) than Ahman Green, Clinton Portis, Reuben Droughns, Tennessee's Chris Brown, and anybody in Detroit or Jacksonville. Think about that before next year's fantasy draft. Credit my boy Tony G. for raising the issue.

Seattle ran the ball less than I thought, given that Shaun "Waaah!" Alexander came within one yard of this season's rushing title. If we've learned nothing from Mike Martz in his Super Bowl loss to New England, we have gleaned that you dance with your date. Or you don't jump horses midstream. Better yet, run what'cha brung. Seattle was pass-oriented on Saturday, which in hindsight wasn't too bad a plan...except that Hasselbeck's passes were dropped at crucial times. What a heartbreaker for Seahawks fans. May I suggest Stick-Um?

New York Jets at San Diego

This game was high on my Gotta See list, in part because here in Maryland the Charger's regular season games were never shown. From afar did I begin to admire Marty Schottenheimer's work with the formerly last-place franchise. The mystique of Drew "Summertime" Brees and the curiously-named LaDainian Tomlinson, coupled with the "where'd that come from?" (aka the "Keisha Knight-Pulliam") pulled by tight end Antonio Gates spiced up an already exciting gaming proposition.

This game provided, for my money, the best action of the weekend. Unlike other games, these teams looked evenly matched, played (relativey) smart football, worked their strenghts, and sent the game into overtime. All in damp, muddy, real-football conditions. My only regret was that I had to listen to the 4th quarter on AM radio on my way home. Every football fanatic should have this experience:

[after commercial]

"SHHZZZ We're back...Marv Albert, John Riggins here at Qualcomm Stadium, the Jets 24 seconds left in the fourth quarter, the Chargers are down by seven with the ball on the New York Jet 2 yard line. FRZZRRRRCC It is fourth down and the game is on the line..."

"Marv, you CHRZZZ think that Schottenheimer needs to go to Gates or Tomlinson here. He just tossed incomplete to Gates on the that third down, so New York knows Brees is looking his way. They've done a great job of SCHZZZZZ Gates until this last drive. Brees has got to get the ball to him or L.T...."

"Brees steps up under center, surveys the defense...the Jets spread, covering San Diego who send Tomlinson out, now in a five wide receiver set...this is for the tie...there's the snap... Brees back to pass, flushed backward from the pocket and SCHZZZZRRR pass ZZZRRRRHHHCHHHZHHHHHHRRRRZZZZZZZZZ endzone! RRHHHHRRHHHRZZZZbyRRRREEZZZZZZRASGKGKJJFRRRRR but FRRZZR there is a flag GRRRRSZZZZZZHHHRRRRRSCHSSHC! BRRRRRCCCCRZZZZZZZ!"

"Boy, what a break for San Diego, Eric Barton has TRCCCZZHHHH feel horrible for SCHHHHZZZZing FFRRRESSDZZZZZ committing such an stupid foul, Marv. Brees had clearly gotten the ball away, and the ref was right there to make the call. He had to make that one. Now the Chargers have GRZREEECHHHHHOOOOWWWW on the FRZZZZRRRREEEECHHH..."

I say that all to say that I never really heard what happened at the end of regulation. Thankfully, I have Comcast's NFL Network On Demand service, so I got to see--and hear--everything the way it really happened. Ah, technology.

Denver at Indianapolis

You had to know this wasn't going to be pretty. Manning, as I wrote last week, has looked as invulnerable as the X-Men's nemesis Juggernaut all season. The Colts were well-rested and playing at home on their track-like indoor turf. Denver's John Lynch added fuel to the Indianapolis rocket when he suggested that the Indy receivers were soft (and probably regretted his comments as Reggie Wayne amassed more yards in the first half than his entire team).

Broncos fans couldn't have expected to win. They may have thought they'd make a game of it, since adding Pro Bowler Champ Bailey and Lynch. Bailey limited Marvin Harrison to about 50 yards and only four catches. I guess that was good. But his team still was humiliated, this year by only eight points less than last year. That ain't progress. As TMQ noted, at this rate the Broncos should be able to win by the year 2010. Keep hope alive, Mile Highers.

One more Bailey note: did you see him get completely pasted by lil' Marvin Harrison during Wayne's Screen Pass of Glory in the 4th quarter? Because he's still respected around Redskins park, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he probably had his head turned the wrong way and got blindsided. Riiight.

Minnesota at Green Bay

What I thought would be the least interesting game of the weekend surprised me and was both competitive and entertaining. I have no beef with Green Bay as a city, or the LemonPants Packers as a team. I appreciate the Cheesehead’s loyalty and (relative) intelligence. Heck, I like that the Pack are publicly owned and their fight song is pretty fun to sing.

What gets my goat is the deification of He Who Walks On Water, Brett Favre. Sportscasters the world over seem to think that he can do no wrong, extolling his maverick-like courage and determination. Let’s be clear: he will be in the Hall of Fame, he is a savvy quarterback, and he still possesses a rifle arm. Sometimes, like on Sunday, Ol’ Brett sucks (22-33, 216 yards, 1TD/4INTs, 55.4 rating). He is not Thor, Chris Collinsworth. Joe Buck, he cannot summon lightning. And Darryl Johnston, his little illegal flip pass, made when his team really could’ve used the first-and-goal or fourth-and-one inside the five yard line, wasn’t cute, innovative, or keen. It was a cowardly, rookie move that, though excused by the analysts, pushed a sure field goal back another five yards, resulting in the miss.

One play in particular was Exhibit #1 in my case of NFL Favre Deification: Favre passes incomplete to Bubba Franks, who is tackled. Franks rises, and a Vikings defensive end, who apparently didn’t hear the whistle, takes Franks down. A mild scrum ensues. The refs began separating players, and Sir Favre runs up the crowd and begins pushing Vikings players. At this point, the shoving is dying down. One of his own linemen moves Favre back, and he goes around the crowd to confront a Vikings linebacker and hits him in the face, right in front of a referee. It was absolutely clear. Did he get flagged? Did the commentators note how Favre had no business fighting people, and how he pulled a Ron Artest and attacked someone who had nothing to do with the play? Of course not. He’s Brett Favre and he’s playing through personal pain. Sheesh.

Speaking of personal attacks, I admit that I thought effervescent Randy Moss’ clinching-touchdown display pretty funny. I don’t condone it, and wouldn’t recommend anyone try to follow suit in the future. But every time I see the picture of Moss’ moon, I laugh. It wasn’t nice, but it sure hit the nail on the head and unequivocably made his point. Moss better have extra security next time he plays in Wisconsin.

Tune in tomorrow as I present my Playoff Picks. I dunno if you have the time or not, but we have a slate of phenomenal games on tap.

P.S. By the way, the United States is calling off the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Make of that what you will.

Week 17: I Reminisce (I Reminisce)

Happy New Year! In light of the closing of one year, the ending of one regular NFL season, and the beginning of the annual Redskins-win-it-all offseason discussions, I thought it best to reflect on 2004. Surely we all learned something in the last 12 months. For example, The Source magazine should have learned that they should never, ever, have another awards show. Without free kevlar armor. Thus, today I present to you now, gentle readers, the...

TWENTY THINGS I LEARNED IN 2004

1. Manning = Real Deal. Some heads are talking that Peyton Manning's touchdown record is a result of the enforcement of the five-yard contact rules. To that I say balderdash! Manning deserves full credit for breaking this seemingly untouchable record because he is a ridiculously accurate, superiorly intelligent quarterback. It's true. Nobody can read and react to a defensive set better than Peyton, and the Ravens and Chargers can personally attest to that. For accuracy, dig how he set the new record on his pass to Brandon Stokely: the receiver made a quick out cut from the left hash mark, and Manning began his throwing motion. The safety saw this and moved toward Stokely, just as the receiver cut back inside. Manning's pass was in the air before the cut and hit Stokely perfectly in the hands, in the end zone, as soon as he turned his body back for the pass. The safety had no chance on the play. None. If I were stuck on an island and forced to watch but one quarterback's career highlights, it'd be Manning.

2. The reason I like Starbucks' caramel macchiato is because, in the end, it tastes like a liquified bowl of Super Golden Crisp.

3. Chris Cooley has proven to be the best H-back/tight end Washington's had in a long time; he could be the next Donny Warren if his play continues. He blocks reasonably well and is a legitimate short-yardage threat. He's no Todd Heap, of course, but defenses better cover him on 3rd and goal. Great pickup in your 2005 fantasy draft.

4. While no one's completely sure whether the Broncos or Redskins won in the offseason Bailey/Portis trade, I am absolutely certain that D.C. is better off without the presence of Trung Canidate.

5. If someone told me, back in 1993, that Flavor Flav would one day star in a reality series on a music video channel whose spinoff show would feature his love affair with Bridgette Nielsen...well, I would have bet my children's college fund you were wrong. After I punched you in the mouth for your blasphemy.

6. The Redskins are undefeated in 2005. Oh yeah. Wait, that didn't happen in 2004. In that case, I learned that the Digital Video Recorder is the greatest invention since, um, the Internet. Whether through TiVO, Cox, or Comcast, it will change everything you know about watching television.

7. Somewhere during 2004 The Boondocks suddenly became not funny. I can't say when, I can't say why, but this once potent comic went thud. Maybe it was the New Yorker article from April, where Aaron McGruder admitted that he doesn't even draw the strip anymore. He just sends ideas to some lady in Boston, who does the inking and sketching. We should all be so lucky.

8. My brother Roy managed to pull off the near-impossible task of starting a fantasy football season 2-6, then winning nine straight--including beating the best teams--en route to winning the Festivus Maximus Championship. The lesson here? Free Agents = Gold. Now I know who the $#$%!@ Lee Evans is. Congratulations and well played. How 'bout them Jones boys?

9. Thanks to the Pacers/Pistons melee, I now care about the fan-fightin' NBA just a shade more than the NHL. Speaking of which, what happened to the National Hockey League? Nobody's playing, or they dismantled the Western Conference or something. I'd look into this, but I don't care.

10. Vinny "AARP" Testaverde's poised play in the final two games was the worst thing that could happen to Dallas fans. Cowchip fans don't want him, but Coach Bill Parcells now will sit backup Bo Buckner, or Jim Henson, or whatever his name is, and stick with Vinny to start next year...a choice already vying for Worst Decision of 2005.

11. Sean Taylor is a future Ronnie Lott. As Sam Huff and Sonny Jurgensen said on their post-game wrap-up show, Old Men Radio, Taylor hits like a linebacker but possesses the speed of a wide receiver. Sure he makes mistakes, as he did Sunday when beat by Randy Moss for a touchdown. But his nose for the football gets him in on nearly every play, like Ray Lewis in his prime. Taylor could become one of the Faces of the Redskins (along with Arrington and the soon-to-depart Smoot) if only he'd lose the prima donna media silence. Mr. Taylor, nobody in the media told you to go drinking and driving. Admit the mistake and let's get on with life.

12. Nas' latest album, Street's Disciple, saved me from completely dismissing 21st century hip hop/rap music. It's got the rare blend of lyrics, delivery, and production that synthesizes into a forceful, yet introspective musical journey. And no, I didn't copy that from Amazon.com. Throw in some James Brown samples and belittling Cuba Gooding, Jr. and the icing's on the cake. Take note, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and The Roots.

13. Speaking of music, congratulations to Snoop Dogg for putting out the worst, lackluster, simplistic excuse for a song THAT I CANNOT GET OUT OF MY HEAD. He has managed to easily surprass the Black Eyed Peas' Let's Get It Started on the Annoying Music Meter. Even the video makes no sense. Drop it like it's hawwwt, drop it like it's hawwwt...

14. The Maryland State Board of Law Examiners = Cloven-footed minions of Mephistopheles. But otherwise nice people.

15. ABC's Lost is the best television I've seen since the premiere of FOX's 24. I can only hope that in their second season the survivors don't start making coconut telephones and bamboo skirts.

16. This season's Hang Your Head award winner goes to a Redskin who single-handedly capsized a potentially successful season. By his hand the Skins lost games they should have won, and kept us from the postseason through poor decisions and suspect execution. He is, ironically, going to lead this team to the playoffs next year now that he's learned from these mistakes. The winner of the autographed 12" single Straight To My Feet by MC Hammer/Deion Sanders is none other than Coach Joe Gibbs. Nothing personal, sir, but if you so much as breathe the name Mark Brunell again, I will affix a Gore-Lieberman 2000 bumper sticker to your car.

17. The NFC should be ashamed of this season's wild-card playoff games: St. Louis at Seattle, Minnesota at Green Bay. For the first time in memory these games are, on paper, doo-doo matchups. None of these teams played well enough to earn their positions. I don't want any of these teams to win. I don't like any of these teams. How dare they proceed while gutsy squads like Carolina sit at home. Burns me up. Of course I'll be watching these games. Curse you, NFL.

18. This seasons' Man Among Men (aka, the "Riggo Award") is defensive coach Gregg Williams. He deserves a burgundy and gold Rolex from Daniel Snyder for organizing, maintaining and leading the best defense Washington has seen in my lifetime. Filled with who-dats and stand-ins, the Redskins managed to keep this season from falling into complete disaster. Nobody did more with less in Washington.

19. There will never be another Ray Charles, Barry White, or Luther Vandross. I don't care how record companies dress the Ruben Studdards of the world. You can't fake greatness. I doubt we'll see another Reggie White, either.

20. If the earthquake and tsunamis can teach us anything, it's that unpredictable biblical-level calamities can still happen. Many people are shocked, depressed, and in despair. Some folks still haven't recovered from seeing the horror of the Russian schoolchildren massacre. May I suggest what I believe is the truth?

And one bonus learning...

21. Writing a sports blog is more rewarding that I imagined, even if it sometimes feels like the equivalent of having a monologue in a bathroom stall. But just when you think that nobody hears your words, you open the door and realize a man from Switzerland was listening the whole time.

Stay tuned over the next couple of weeks as I review NFL Playoff action, no doubt lampooning the NFC playoff contenders. Here's to a great '05...

Week 16: Hang. Your. Head.

Washington 10, Dallas 13

You had to see this coming. If you're a fan of the Redskins or Cowchips, you had to see this coming. Why? Because it's happened before, and the year was 1999. Washington had built a 35-14 lead in the fourth quarter, only to allow them to tie and watch Troy Aikman find Raghib Ismail behind the entire defense for a 76-yard, overtime touchdown.

I spoke with my cousing Angie, a Cowchip-lover, who confided that late in the contest she was prepared to accept a rare loss to the Redskins. Surely the decrepit Vinny Testaverde couldn't muster a winning drive in 1:30, without timeouts, against the second-ranked defense in the league who had sacked him five times that day (including twice on their previous possession). No way would Dallas convert a desperate 4th and 10 and then score for almost 40 yards out. What a completely improabable scenario.

But then when it happens, right before your eyes, you can come to but one conclusion of this so-called rivalry:
you can change the players, you change the coaches, heck, you can change the salaries. But you cannot change the outcome.

As the Thing used to say, "whatta revoltin' development."

I'm not one to point fingers (okay, pointing fingers is pretty much what the Redskins Review is about), but I need to feel better after this loss. So who should be pointed to, shamed and told to Hang Your Head?

...Antonio Brown for his fumbled punt in Washington territory late in the fourth quarter, that, but for a defensive stand, could've cost the game?
...Patrick Ramsey for a subpar passing day (19/29, 158 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs), lofting passes high and rarely throwing deep?
...Pro Bowl-bound Marcus Washington, whose offsides penalty on Dallas' final drive granted a free stopping of the clock?
...Sean Taylor and Shawn Springs for letting a wide receiver run free to the end zone at the end of a game as if Dallas would throw the ball anywhere else?
...the offense for reverting to midseason form, producing a pitiful 10 points, and failing to earn one measly first down to run out the clock?
...the entire Washington defense for allowing the Cowgirls to move the ball, without timeouts, 75 yards in 55 seconds with only four completions?
...Coach Gibbs for allowing players to continue wearing incorrect socks? Former Redskin Brian Mitchell, on the SBC/Comcast SportsNet Sports Nite Post-Game Show sponsored by Tischer Acura of Laurel, Maryland, noted that team unity is suffering because Gibbs isn't demanding that players like Taylor and Portis conform to league and team uniform standards. All I can say is that players wear "uniforms" because--surprise!--they're supposed to be uniform. (This only annoys me because, honestly, we lost.)

Frankly I don't know who should run extra laps this week. I will ease up on my criticism of the defense, if only because they were again called upon to win a game that should have been a Redskins blowout. But for the love of Darrell Green, even if defensive coach Gregg Williams called for a Prevent package, there's no way that Dallas wideout Patrick Clayton (his face now in the Hall of Great Cowchip Wins) should get four yards behind the safeties. This is why, coincidentally, they're called safeties. Even if Sean Taylor is keeping a wise eye on a possible jump ball to Keyshawn Johnson, the defense still should have had 8 men (in a Quarter defense) in the secondary to cover, what, four receivers? Sheesh.

As much as I abhor quoting Dallas fans, I must communicate Angie's final words to me as kicker Jeff Chandler's 57 yard attempt fell short: "we may stink, but y'all smell worse." I dunno if that's true, but I know it'll take a long time to wash the funk out of this loss.

-------------------------------
SCORECARD
OFFENSE: D (It's like watching two middle-aged housewives jousting on American Gladiators. But without the unintentional comedy.)
DEFENSE: B (I was this close to giving them an A+. But four plays later they get dropped more than a letter grade.)
Sp. TEAMS: B+ (Punter Tom Tupa is perhaps the only player happy with this season's offensive ineptitude.)
COACHES: C (Gibbs and company gotta lotta 'splainin' to do. No way should we have been swept by Dallas this year.)

FANTASY FOOTBALL REPORT
As reported last week, the Young Avengers were bounced from the Festivus Maximus playoffs on account of Pittsburgh's defense getting rolled on by Eli Manning and Terrell Owens pulling up lame. Fortunately, my arch-rivals, the BlackBirds, were simultaneously dismissed by last year's rookie sensation Juggernauts, piloted by D-Trux. The Juggs met Shirtless Wes' 4Gen Warriors, and that game's coming down to Monday Night Football. This year's rookie sensation is the waiver-wire-wonder Roy's Boys, and they've won their second-round playoff game already. (Who the $#%%# is Lee Evans, anyway?) Like the Carolina Panthers, nobody wants to meet them in the playoffs.

NEXT UP
Washington area fans will get the rare opportunity to see Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss at FedEx Field as they fight for a playoff place. We are fighting for a modicum of respectability. Forget being the #1 ranked defense stickers on your helmet or wearing fancy socks; let's win the game. Skins win, 14-13.

Week 15: Holiday Gifts for All!

Washington 26, San Francisco 16

Want to hear something funny? Somebody correct me if I'm wrong here, but if Washington wins its last two games, versus the Cowchips and Vikings, and the Panthers and Saints lose their games...

We're in the playoffs! With a mediocre 7-9 record!

Ain't that a kick inna pants? After this season?

Now I'm not suggesting in any form or fashion that the Redskins deserve to be in the post season, or that they somehow earned it, or even that I suggested they'd be there pre-season. It is every week that I have to reiterate to some Philly/Dallas/Baltimore/New York fan that I didn't predict Gibbs would make the playoffs this season. Fans of other teams seem to think that as soon as Gibbs was hired, that the DC area fans were printing up NFC East Champion t-shirts. Not so, lost ones, not so. I did say that, based upon Gibbs' solid record and our always-good-on-paper team, Washington would challenge someone for a wild-card spot. Sho'nuff, we are. Kind of. But only because the National Football Conference is bereft of greatness. And with a certain wideout going down to injury, the NFC's pool of proficiency drains by three feet.

The Football Gods will bestow favor upon someone from the NFC--they have to under the NFL rules. But here at the Review, I thought it appropo to send my own gifts to fans of every team in the form of messages of goodwill. Every real football fan clings to the hope that their team will make a run for the Super Bowl, even as their team's season disintigrates (et tu, St. Louis?). When that reality creeps in like silent-but-deadly flatulence, you can do nothing but remember the good things. Accentuate the positive. That's what we're gonna do now, as we inaugurate the first ever...MESSAGES OF GOODWILL.

Washington Redskins
Did anyone guess that those stupendously bad pass interference calls against Washington in Week 3 that allowed a Cowgirls victory would loom so large? I realize it's spilled and now spoiled milk, but if we win that game--as we should have--and ceteris parabus, we're sitting pretty for the post season. That is the power of penalties, and ceteris parabus is everything I remember from college Economics class.

Nonetheless, Washington should feel great that Gibbs has a great foundation on which to build next year's playoff team. That's right, we're making the playoffs next year. If the seasons began in February but ended in May, the Redskins would have five more Vince Lombardi trophies. So prepare to enjoy a fantastic offseason, gentlemen.

Philadelphia Egos
No holiday message for you. Oh, wait, there is a notice to pass along: Terrell Owens is done, and so are your Super Bowl aspirations. You may commence burning the Liberty Bell now.

Los Gigantes de Nuevo York
Was there any bigger lock for a fantasy matchup than the #1 ranked Steelers defense versus Eli Manning, the Boy Who Could Not Fly? No one in their right mind would start, say, the Jaguars defense playing against Favre at Lambeau instead, right? Not when the Steelers defense has been average more than 20 fantasy points, right? I mean, was there any prediction that young Manning would go 16 for 23 for two touchdowns and only one interception? Who wouldn't have started that defense? How did this nonsense happpen?

And yes, I am kvetching that I was booted from my fantasy league playoffs because my defense earned five points. Enjoy your quarterback of the future, D-Trux and Giants fans.

Dallas Cowchips
Though you share the same record as Washington, let's be honest--this year has been a disaster, particularly in light of last year's playoff appearance. This season's humor came from seeing Coach Parcells' weekly "we are disgusting" post game conferences; the real comedy was watching him become less animated after each loss and age 10 years (along with Testaverde and Eddie George) in three months. I suspect that after falling to 5-11 on the year, Bill's final press conference will be miserable cinema; the Tuna will decompose into a monotone, lamentable, drooling shell of his Hall of Fame self. He won't be able to enunciate, but his spittle will make his message clear: we stink. If there is something to hang your Christmas stocking on, it's that kid Julius Jones.

Green Bay Lemon Pants
Future Hall of Famer Brett Favre is the anchor on which Packers fans have held their hope for many years. I personally think he's a maverick gunslinger who has the uncanny ability to follow a horrible pass with a scrambling, laser-guided pass through three defenders. The press loves this guy, and some of the praise is deserved. But for the love of Moses, can we stop treating him as any more heroic than any other quarterback who plays through pain and loss? For my dollar, the Titans' Steve McNair has equaled or surpassed Favre in gutsy play. I think McNair completed a touchdown back in 2002 with only one operable foot. I could be wrong. The point is that Brett doesn't turn water into wine and hasn't corrected his tendency to hit defenders between the numbers in his many NFL seasons. And then there's his annual will-I-retire-maybe-I-won't tune. Sheesh. You Cheeseheads can keep Favre, and enjoy him for all he's worth.

Minnesota Vikings
By winning your last two games (which shan't happen because you're coming to FedEx Field to play the Skins), you can slip right into the playoffs and, I predict, make some noise. Hats off to Daunte "Where's My Soup Contract?" Culpepper for being the glue in this season of rotating offensive players. 8-5 is pretty good for losing Mr. I Make It Look Easy, Randy Moss, for a couple games and starting multiple running backs throughout the year. Vikings fans should be pleased with the work Coach Mike Tice has done in keeping this ship afloat and competitve.

Detroit Lions
What happened here? Remember when the Lions broke their consecutive road-losing streak, then started winning at home too? Things went south quickly, but I really like the combination of Harrington/Roy Williams/Kevin Jones/Hakim. Pick up some defense (and a long snapper) and you should be in the thick of a division title chase next year.

Chicago Bears
I hear Ryan Leaf is still available if you're still looking for a quarterback next year. And you should be.

Hotlanta Falcons
Where would this team be without Michael Vick? 4-10 is my guess. This guy single-handedly willed his team to win Saturday against the Panthers with a gutsy 4th and goal touchdown scramble. Sure he's erratic, and inexplicably vulnerable to fast pass rushes, but there's nobody more dangerous in the clutch than Mr. Nike. Just ask last year's Packers. Enjoy him while he's healthy, Falcon fans.

(North) Carolina Panthers
Even if you don't make the playoffs, what resolve you've shown in overcoming injuries to nearly every playmaker on offense. The loss of Steve Smith, Stephen Davis, DeShaun Foster, and even Brad Hoover means that you've had to rely on who-dats like Nick Goings and behind your offensive line he has run like a maniac. Hats off to Jake "Pour Homme" Delhomme, Julius Peppers and the entire coaching staff for pulling off an improbable playoff run after looking dead in the water in early October.

N'awlins Saints
Whaddaya know, the Saints aren't folding in December! They've won their last two and with the ever dangerous Joe Horn healthy, well, anything's possible. We haven't seen Saints fans break out the paper bags in, what, two years now. That's plenty to be thankful for.

TB Buc'neers
Tampa fans should rejoice that their defense, splintered after winning a Super Bowl, is still to be feared. And that those orange pants will never see the light of day again.

The Entire NFC West (Seattle, St. Louis, Arizona, San Francisco)
Shame on all of you. I refuse to send fans of these slumping, ne'er-do-well franchises holiday wishes. The brass ring of a division champion is sitting there, and everyone's eyeing it warily, like the gathering of the Fellowship in Lord of the Rings. The Owens-less 49ers were expected to stink it up this year, but the rest of you have no excuse for half-stepping. Weren't the Seahawks an early AFC favorite? How can Arizona still be alive in this division? Marshall Faulk, I have loved you like a brother, defending your presence on my fantasy team for more than a year now. After this year, I'm cutting the cord. Fly, my son, fly.

New England Patriots
We'll just assume Monday's loss to Miami was a mulligan. But know this, Pats fans, if the celebrated Tom Brady has a subpar day (three interceptions should qualify) in January, things could get ugly. You all should send Corey Dillon holiday hams for adding a dimension to the Champions that should propel them to another Super Bowl appearance.

State of New York Football J-E-T-S
I like this team, starting with coach Herman Edwards. Jets fans can celebrate "Supernatural" Santana Moss' solid play, Curtis Martin's non-stop procution, and the return of Chad Pennington. They may not have the defense to hold off the Steelers, Colts, or Patriots later this year, but this team is a perennial favorite to make the post season. That's good coaching. Those Quincy Carter games are quickly fading into memory.

Buffalo Billiards
Panthers aside, is there any team who has risen from the dust like Buffalo? Who the #$#% is Lee Evans (and why is he helping my brother's fantasy team become a powerhouse)? This team scored in all phases against Cincinnati, but it's their offense which deserves the love. They've scored 17 touchdowns in their last five games. I think that's more than Washington has scored all year.

Miami Dolphins
There's good news for Dolfans: your boys fought hard Monday, though their season ended during the summer months. By the way, those orange uniforms make you look like little highlighters.

Pittsburgh Men o' Steel
Your holiday gift is the well-praised Ben Roethlisberger. But you knew that. And you also know that he's responsible, in large part, for the franchise-best record and winning streak. In my estimation, the Steelers are the most balanced team in the league, able to put up just enough to win against virtually anyone. Can't wait for the Pittsburgh/New England AFC Championship game!

Ballmer Ravines
Y'all knew you had no chance of winning against Peyton Sunday night, right? Motormouth Billlick had you guys playing your hearts out, but it was clear that Manning and company were not to be denied. They looked like the superior team...for now. Come next year, when Kyle "Where's Heap?" Boller continues his maturation, you'll ascend to the top of the AFC. Provided that Jailbait Lewis keeps his nose clean. Ravens fans should look forward to Ed Reed and company needing to do less scoring next year. You might want to pick up a decent wide receiver in your spare time. And yes, I'm being sarcastic.

Cincinnati Bengals
Fans of the Halloween Heroes should rejoice that Marvin Lewis decided to become your head coach. Doomsayers were shocked last year when you went 8-8; they suggested the return of the "Bungles" earlier this year when Lewis' starter, Carson "Tonight Show" Palmer, struggled. But now his decision seems more sane, and, perhaps, visionary. You guys will continue to improve under Marvin; your only regret should be that you're in the same division as the Ravens and Steelers.

Cleveland Doo-doo Browns
No, I'm not trying to offend Browns fans. I'm referencing that local club hit from my college days by one-CD wonder 2 Hyped Brothers And A Dog. Now that was back when people actually danced at parties, instead of standing around mean-mugging and drinking, back before every R&B song had a hot-rapper-of-the-moment mumbling in it, back when there were 24 variations of the Running Man dance. Those were good days. The days of the high-top fade, Africa medallions and Cross Colours overalls. The good days for Cleveland fans were when a healthy Jeff Garcia was at the helm. (Did I bring that back to focus?)

Indianapolis Mannings
Were you like me, Sunday night? Were you absolutely sick of how frequently ESPN reminded us that Peyton was two--no!, make it one touchdown!--away from tying Dan Marino? Just as Baltimore knew they weren't going to win that game, Indy knew Manning probably wouldn't tie or break the record that night. And poo on you Colts fans for your bloodlusty booing of the Colts' sportsmanship by taking a two game-ending knees. No gifts for you. Just for that, you're going to lose earlier than you think in the playoffs.

Jax'ville Jaguars
The Jacksonville faithful better enjoy Byron Leftwich, who's working hard to become the next NFL Bionic Man. Sunday versus the Pack he got belted on nearly every passing play, making him an expert in the consistency and flavor of Lambeau Field. But the kid kept getting up, kept throwing, kept playing through pain. Big ups, man, big ups.

The Texas Toast of Houston
I know it seems like I'm saying most teams have a bright future, but this season showed Texan fans that David Carr, Andre Johnson, and Dominick Davis are the real deal and if supported by a decent defense can be competitive for years to come. They unfortunately suffer from the Bengals Disease: playing in a ultra-tough division.

Tennessee Titans
Is Billy Volek the answer? I dunno, but he's filled in nicely in the last couple of weeks, credit due also to wide receiver Drew Bennett (who I foolishly chose not to pick up off of the waiver wires). If McNair decides to retire, it will be a sad end to the career of one of the NFL's true Iron Men.

San Diego SuperChargers
Hats off to the Coach of the Year, Marty Schottenheimer. This team won four games last year. Now they're 10-3. You may recall from archive Redskin Reviews that Marty was drummed out of Washington after going 8-8 in a season where the team began 0-5 and then won five in a row. The Redskins haven't looked like that since. I tell you this: if MartyBall was still played here, Stephen Davis would still be here and we'd be in better shape. Charger fans must be euphoric. And no, I am not jealous.

Denver Broncos
I salute you for again proving that you could probably put Lando Calrissian in the backfield and he'd get three 100 yard games. Your offensive line and coaches are to be celebrated. One other note: anyone still agreeing with Sports Illustrated's Peter King that Jake Plummer will be league MVP? Didn't think so.

Kansas City Chefs
I love that Snickers commercial where the groundskeeper misspells the team name. Though KC isn't near a complete team, their ability to score is unmatched. No Priest? Stick in Larry Johnson and keep rolling. And ex-Redskin Trent "Money" Green has quietly made a name for himself as a solid quarterback. Even Dante "Inferno" Hall is returning to gameplan-against-him form.

Oakland Raiders
Anybody seen Warren Sapp? Did he vaporize or what this year? How does someone that large become invisible, anyway? Citizens of the Black Hole should be thankful that Kerry Collins has found his form. No, your team isn't any good (and Charles Woodson isn't helping), but Collins as starting quarterback is beginning to make sense. He at least makes the games interesting.

Happy Holidays to (almost) all the fans from everyone here at the Review. That's um, me.